


A Ticket to Another World

by lovealways1990



Category: 5 Seconds of Summer (Band)
Genre: Amnesia, Flashbacks, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-10-15
Updated: 2015-01-03
Packaged: 2018-02-21 06:53:14
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 14
Words: 29,484
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2458886
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lovealways1990/pseuds/lovealways1990
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When a car crash erases Luke's memories, he wakes up in the year 2014. Only problem..his last memory - testing a new drummer for the band's first gig - is from 2011. Now, he's forced to rely on second-hand accounts and flashbacks to retrieve his memories. Not to mention the new drummer Ashton is making everything incredibly unsettling.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Can you hear me?

**@Luke5SOS:**  Find something that makes you happy and don't let anyone take it away from you :-)

**One.**  Can You Hear Me?

_When we both fall asleep underneath the same sky to the beat of our hearts at the same time, so close but so far away - can you hear me?_

It wasn't rare that the boys got stuck places. First, they were stuck on their tour bus. This didn't necessarily mean because of traveling purposes. No, the fans swarmed the bus, and the boys were stationary, listening to Luke play the same Green Day song for twenty minutes straight. Then they were stuck backstage in the concert arena, surrounded by baskets of American junk foods they've grown accustom to and weird assortments of fruit. However, being stuck on the side of the road with a flat tire in some remote part of Chicago was not something usual.

Luke drummed his thumb on his leg, glancing out his window as the driver paced around the front of the car. The cars on the highway zoomed past, unsympathetic to the stranded car carrying half of the famous Australian band.

"You'd think the bloke would know how to change a tire," Ashton said lightly, rolling down the window to let the summer air into the stuffy car. Ashton fiddled with the switch which made the window rise and fall. Luke suspected Ashton just needed something to distract himself. Maybe he opened the window not to let the summer air in but the tension out. They weren't sitting particularly close, either one on the opposite side of the vehicle, but it's the closest they've been in a few days. When Calum and Michael rushed into the first tinted car, Ashton almost opted to sit in the front seat with the driver. Luke almost let him.

"Where's the nearest servo?" Ashton questioned, pulling out his phone. The light it gave made Luke's eyes peer sideways. He couldn't see Ashton's face from under his mop of curly hair, no bandana keeping it in place. "Three kilometers! I figured we could push the car, but not that far." He huffed out a breath, hoisting his long legs up onto the back of the passenger's seat. "I'll text Mikey or Cal. Which one do you think is better at fixing a tire?"

Luke shrugged, glancing at the driver who was now frantically talking into his phone. Ashton shifted. His knee grazed Luke's thigh; Luke's thumb stilled on his leg.

"Luke," Ashton whispered. "Seriously? I didn't ask Calum and Michael to take the first car. I didn't will the tire to blow. I don't want you to be uncomfortable. Not around me." Luke pulled his knee up to his chest, wrapping an arm around his leg. He needed to feel grounded because nothing felt stable anymore. He didn't acknowledge that Ashton even spoke. "You don't even look at me anymore. In private, yes, I get it, but it's in public too. Not during interviews, not on stage, not even when we're sitting a meter apart. Jesus! Can you hear me?"

Luke flinched as Ashton's words bit into him as the volume grew. That's all the response Luke gave however. Ashton sighed, leaning his body away from Luke's, pressing his head against the window.

"I'm not sorry," Ashton muttered.

Luke watched the lights outside the vehicle dance and tried to forget his bandmate was beside him. The driver came back a minute later, unaware of the exchange from moments ago. Apparently, a tow truck would be arriving in twenty minutes. Too long.

The driver flipped on the radio, and the boys were met with a familiar tune. He whistled, "Isn't this you?" as Luke's voice filled the car. Ashton started chattering about the song to the driver, all chipper and happy again. Luke just listened to the words:  _I wish that I could wake up with amnesia and forget about the stupid, little things._

The lights continued to dance outside his window, flashing bright lights into the side-mirror. It almost blinded Luke. But they quickly zoomed away. Until they didn't. Until white light was all Luke could see. He didn't have enough time to be afraid or shocked. He shut his eyes and listened to the sound of squealing tires. He felt so much in a couple of seconds: the sensation of being crushed, pain crippling his inside, glass biting into his skin.

And then nothing.

*~~

Did you ever wake up with a song stuck in your head? Like your brain decided to press the play button on that stupid stereo lodged in your frontal lobe? The lights trying to force their way past Luke's eyelids fought hard to wake him up, but his mind soothed him with the song, pulling him back into a peaceful sleep.  _Don't waste your time on me. You're already the voice inside my head._

The dream he was having felt heavy. It felt solid, like it wasn't a dream at all. But Luke knew it was a dream. The lights weren't as bright, and he wasn't  _there_. Everything was far away, like he was reading a book, experiencing it second-hand.

Michael's feet were propped up on the amp. He lazily strummed his acoustic guitar. Luke lay aloof on his back, his head cushioned by his arm, staring up at his phone.

"Is Calum even coming?" he asked, typing out an aggressive text to the boy.

"Dunno," Michael replied, "I think his mum is making him do some family shit since he's finally home from Brazil."

"And the Facebook-drummer-dude...Ash? He's coming?"

"Stop being so paranoid, Lucas. You'll be home to mummy soon enough," Michael teased, kicking Luke's foot with his own.

"You make it sound like I'm five, not fifteen," Luke muttered.

"When Liz stops folding your superhero pajamas, we'll talk."

Luke scowled, kicking the neck of Michael's guitar. Michael let out a breathy laugh. Suddenly, the boys heard tires rolling across the dirt path leading to Michael's garage. Luke sat up in time to see what looked like Ashton stopping mid-roll, making a cloud of dirt form in the air. He placed his push-bike gently on the ground and started to walk toward them.

"Hey, Lads!" he chirped, waving a hand at them while simultaneously strutting into the garage.

"Ashton!" Michael exclaimed, gathering himself to rush to Ashton for a hug. Luke rose as well. Ashton smiled at Luke over Michael's shoulder.

_I miss you. I miss you._

"Luke! Luke! Can you hear me?" an unfamiliar voice practically yelled into his ear.

"I won't be able to if you keep screaming," he mumbled, unsure of why his throat was so hoarse.

"Luke!" someone yelped, someone whose voice he recognized. His mother. He tried to open his eyes, but it was a struggle. He felt a hand grasp his own, and his skin felt so sensitive. She was crying. How he could tell, he wasn't sure. There were a million other sounds in his ear: the shuffling of feet, chatter between people, beeping - lots of beeping. "Luke," she sobbed, holding his hand close to her body.

"Please, son, could you leave the room?" a stern woman's voice asked.

"No! It's fine!" his mother pleaded. Luke just wanted to  _see_  what was happening! "He's Luke's best friend."

"Family only, ma'am."

"What a bitch," Luke muttered. His mother tightened her hold.

"But he was also in the accident," she fought.

"Liz, it's okay," another voice said. A voice Luke had just heard.  _Hey, Lads!_  Luke forced opened his eyes.

Everything was fuzzy. He tried to blink it away, failing, but he caught sight of Ashton's back exiting the room. Glass separated them. People crowded in the window, staring in, like he was a caged animal. Some faces he recognized. His father. His brothers. Calum. Michael. Ashton. But where was he?

"Wait," he choked, looking at his mother, "accident?"

The fear that flashed across her face made his chest feel tight. "You don't... You don't remember?"

"What accident?" he repeated.

"It's normal if he's disoriented," a man in a white lab coat said, taking hold of Luke's chin to shine a light into his eyes. Luke winced. A doctor? Was he in a hospital? "What's your full name, son?"

"Luke Robert Hemmings."

"What state are you in?" the doctor questioned.

"State?" he faltered. "Confusion?"

"He wouldn't know that," his mother argued. "What year is it, baby?"

Luke thought hard for a moment. Remembering a year was hard when he couldn't even remember what month it was. His brain felt like jelly. So he shrugged.

"What's the last thing you remember, dear?" his mother asked.

"Ashton," Luke blurted because it was true. Ashton was the last thing his mind thought of.

Liz sighed. She nodded. "The crash."

"What crash?" Luke asked, irritated.

"Luke." Suddenly, Ashton was in the doorway. The nurses tried to usher him out, but the doctor halted them. "The flat tire on the side of the road in Chicago." Luke glanced at his mother, dumbfounded. He tried to pull up the memory. His brain wouldn't give. When Luke didn't respond, Ashton continued, "The mini-van that crashed into your side of the car." Luke shook his head. "We were coming from the concert."

"Ashton, stop. None of that happened."

Ashton heaved, pressing his fist to his lips. Luke didn't understand. Next to him, his mother was crying again.

"What's the last thing you remember, Luke?" the doctor questioned.

The memory flooded Luke's mind. "Ashton coming over to Michael's to rehearse for our gig at The Annandale."

The way Ashton and his mother gasped made Luke realize he gave the wrong answer.


	2. Don’t Move, Honey.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Previously: In a tension-filled car on the way home from a concert, Luke and Ashton get into a car crash. When Luke wakes up, he remembers who he is, yes, but doesn't know what's happened to him in the past two and a half years. His last memory is testing this random kid Ashton, his band's temporary drummer, for their first ever gig.

**Two.** Don't Move, Honey.

_If you don’t swim, you’ll drown, but don’t move, Honey._

Luke had woken up in a dream. His reality was distorted, and all he wanted to do was sleep, even though, apparently, he’d been in a coma for two weeks. The medical team wanted to run tests, so his family and friends were asked to leave. He still remembers his mother muttering worried words to the doctor as he escorted her from the room and the look of the people on the other side of the window when Ashton caught them up on what happened. They were sad, shocked, some even looked pained.

All Luke thought was, what was wrong with his answer, and what was the correct one? He woke up groggy the next morning. Someone was bringing him breakfast, and his stomach growled on cue. The nurse smiled, and placed the tray onto a nearby table. He struggled to sit up. His muscles ached, and he already felt dizzy.

Leaning his head back, he took deep breaths. Something caught his eye. Balloons. At least twenty of them. How did he miss them yesterday? In fact, his room was decorated with cards, stuffed animals, and flowers. He saw a few yesterday, but now glancing around, they were everywhere. It gave him a headache wondering where they came from.

His stomach growled again, so Luke reached for the cover of the tray. He expected something simple, like corn flakes and toast with Vegemite but was met with pancakes, toast, eggs, fruit, bacon, and juice – very non-Australian. Luke knew he wasn’t in Australia. Everyone’s accents were American. But how did he end up in America?

“Heads up!” a voice suddenly yelped.

Luke picked his head up in time to watch a hard, yellow jar hit him in the chest. It knocked the wind out of him.

“Michael, what the fuck, man?!” Calum came rushing over and gripped Luke’s shoulder. He said, “You okay, Luke?”

Luke nodded, massaging his chest where he’ll definitely have a bruise.

“Mikey, you’re supposed to warn me _then_ throw it,” Luke insisted, looking down at the jar of Vegemite sitting in his lap.

“If I’d’ve knocked you out, this wouldn’t be a bad place to be,” Michael offered, sitting at the edge of Luke’s bed. Luke chucked the jar at his head, but Michael caught it, grinning, handing it back to him. “Dude, I’m bringing you presents. You won’t find Vegemite anywhere in this country.”

Luke furrowed his brow as he saw Calum quickly shake his head in Michael’s direction.

“Guys, I know we aren’t in Australia,” Luke said, gesturing to the window with the open curtains and morning light shining through. “A nurse asked if I had to go to the _bathroom_ yesterday. She was like sixty, and I wasn’t about to let her give me a bath. She meant toilet though.”

“Do you know where we are?” Michael asked.

“Some place in America,” he answered, phrasing it like a question. “I don’t know where though. I don’t know much of anything. They haven’t really told me much. Mostly, they rattle off medical terms at me.”

Michael and Calum didn’t say anything for a long time; they just kept exchanging worried glances. Luke could only take so much. He grabbed his toast and the butter knife, and then opened his can of Vegemite.

“I can-“

“Let me-“

“I’m fine,” Luke snapped a little more irate than he intended. Michael and Calum pulled away. “Sorry, I just…I’m not broken.”

“Is it true you have amnesia?” Calum asked suddenly.

Luke stilled the piece of toast he had risen to his lips and dropped it back onto the plate. He could tell, by the looks on his friends’ faces, this has been the question on their minds since they showed up.

“I think so,” Luke answered softly. “They kept saying Post-Traumatic Amnesia from the accident. Last thing I remember was practicing for the Annandale show, but I talked to my mum quick and she said that was years ago.”

Calum huffed out a breath. “So you literally woke up with amnesia and forgot about the stupid, little things.”

Luke shrugged. “Apparently.” Michael and Calum locked eyes again. “Is it really 2014?”

“Yeah,” Michael answered.

“So then I’m…eighteen?”

“For about a month now,” Calum retorted.

Luke gaped at them. “How was it? My birthday. All our birthdays! What’d we do? Shit, I missed my eighteen birthday!”

Calum snickered, “Man, it was-“

“Cal,” Michael warned, shaking his head.

“Oh, um,” Calum started.

“No! Come on. You need to tell me!”

“Luke, we can’t tell you too much at once,” Michael argued. “You could relapse.”

“I’m fine!” Luke snapped.

“Luke, you were just in a coma for sixteen days. You aren’t Superman,” Michael said, looking pained. “You’ve lost two and a half years – really good years.”

Luke groaned, pushing himself deeper into his comforter. He had a feeling that this was going to get old very quickly. It’s like they were in grade school keeping a secret from him.

“Where’s Ashton? Maybe he’ll tell me. We’re mates now, yeah?”

“Best mates. But you won’t get anything from him. He threatened us with a tinny yesterday if we messed with sick you,” Calum informed. “I’m not sure where he is though. I haven’t seen him all morning. Probably at the flat. We rented one because of your coma. We stopped the tour, and-“

“Calum!” Michael groaned, leaning his body forward.

“What-“ Luke started but was interrupted by Ashton rushing into the room. He looked irritated, glancing between Calum and Michael. He wasn’t even acknowledging Luke’s presence.

“What the _hell_?” Ashton exclaimed, gaping at the boys. “We’re supposed to be in that training. Visiting hours haven’t even started yet.”

“I don’t want to go to a fucking class,” Calum whined.

“A class that’ll help you with Luke’s recovery, you asshole. Stop being selfish,” Ashton fought, pulling Calum up by the sleeve of his sweatshirt. “You too,” he directed at Michael.

“We’ll be back, Luke,” Michael said, smiling sadly at Luke. Calum nodded, smacking Ashton’s hand away.

“You guys go on,” Ashton muttered. “I’ll be there in a minute.”

Calum and Michael left wordlessly, though Luke swears he heard “fucking hypocrite” from the hallway. Luke took in Ashton. He noticed his friends have changed – they had different colored hair for Christ’s sake – but Ashton looked most different. His build. His hair. What he was wearing. What happened in two years that changed this boy to a man? Ashton must have felt uncomfortable from Luke’s stare because he fidgeted, playing with the plastic bag in his hands. He still hadn’t looked at Luke.

“The only memories I have of us are those few jam sessions, Ashton,” Luke started, breaking the weird tension growing between them. “Oh and that time at the pictures with my green sunnies.”

Ashton picked his head up. “You remember that?”

“I remember a lot. I just don’t remember a lot, too,” Luke grumbled, picking at his toast. “Are we really best friends?”

“Yeah,” Ashton said softly, his face soft as well. “Heaps of stuff happened these past few years.”

“I want to remember,” Luke whispered. It was as if he was reaching for nothing when he tried to recall those missing years. “What happened with 5 Seconds of Summer?”

Ashton crossed his arms, looking very uncomfortable. “Look, Luke, the doctors said we can’t overwhelm you. We need to allow you to remember on your own. We’ll catch you up sometimes too, but to fill you in on everything-“

“It’ll probably take around two and a half years,” Luke tried to joke, but Ashton only nodded solemnly.

“I should head back to that lecture,” Ashton sighed, but nonetheless approached Luke. “Here.” He put the plastic bag on the table beside the bed. “It’s just a bunch of albums that came out in the past few years that you’ve liked: Ed Sheeran, the 1975, things like that. It’s technically all new music to you. Listen on your laptop.”

Luke reached into the bag to look at the stack of CDs but noticed Ashton leaving. “Ash,” Luke uttered. “Did we make it?”

Without turning around, Ashton quietly answered, “Yes.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm going to try to be as accurate as possible, but at the same time, I'm not going to rewatch all their livestreams, performances and interviews to take notes. This entire story is a work of fiction. =) Thank you so much for the feedback! You're beyond wonderful!


	3. Playing by the Rules

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Previously: Luke isn't sure what freaks him out the most: the fact that he's not in Australia, the fact that his friends all look immensely different, or the fact that he's apparently "best friends" with their new drummer. Speaking of Ashton, he's a weird balance of intense and caring.

**Three.** Playing by the Rules

_I  admit I'm a bit of a fool for playing by the rules, but I've found my sweet escape when I’m alone with you._

Luke’s been in the hospital for days: working in physical therapy, getting probed and tested with lots of bloodwork and psych evaluations. He felt like a lab-rat. His family left a day ago, but his friends still stopped by frequently. Calum and Michael were exactly the same – minus the tattoos and dyed hair. He was still trying to figure out Ashton though. This guy was essentially a stranger, but Ashton knew so much about him – how he liked his eggs, how he needed three pillows to sleep – he even bought him extra underwear because he somehow knew Luke’s mother only packed his five pairs, and he wasn’t ready to wear hospital undies.

“What’s the story with Ashton?” Luke asked when the drummer left to room to grab some coffees from the café. Luke had just come back from his first therapist session, much to his dismay. How does he feel? Fucking fantastic that he can’t remember what happened in the remainder of his high school years, that’s how. “He’s so damn serious.”

Calum snickered, “Until you get to know him. He’s like a fucking six year old on a sugar high then. His brother is more mature than him, and that kid sleeps on SpongeBob sheets.”

“He’s harmless though. Just real protective of you. Probably because you’re the baby of the group,” Michael said, pinching Luke’s cheek.

“Maybe he feels responsible for the accident,” Calum offered, his shoulders shrugging.

“It’s not his fault,” Luke argued. “At least from what I’ve heard from the accident, it isn’t.”

“Either way, we’re on a talking ban. We can’t tell you anything until you’re ready,” Calum declared, straightening himself.

“I’m ready,” Luke said simply.

Calum made a gesture of zippering his lips, locking them, and throwing away the key.

“Just one memory, please, just one?” Luke pleaded, pouting. “Ashton won’t even let me Google myself. No YouTube. No Instagram. No Twitter. He checks my phone history every time you stop by. The fucker deleted my camera roll, too.”

Michael made an exasperated noise. “Okay. But only one.”

Luke grinned, thinking of what significant moment of his life he was entitled to. “The Annandale show,” he said finally.

Calum smiled, nodding. “Man, that performance was a shit show. I just came back from football training in Brazil. We’d tested Ashton for the performance, and he was really great, but it didn’t help that we sucked, didn’t practice enough, and were completely unprepared. To top it all off, only twelve people showed up. Twelve.”

“But three-hundred-“

“All dirty liars,” Michael chimed in. “But it was a kickass show.”

“I proposed to Ashton that night,” Calum recalled. “Got down on one knee and asked him to join 5SOS. It was painfully romantic.”

“Obviously, he said yes because he’s still around,” Luke assumed.

“He was what we needed to get serious. We practiced more, wrote more, were more dedicated. It really felt like an actual band,” Calum said, looking dreamy.

“What about albums? Did we make any? Can I hear-“

“You’ve got to be shitting me!” Ashton exclaimed from the doorway. “I am never leaving you three alone,” he spat, really exaggerating each word. “Can we talk in the hallway for a second?”

Ashton dropped the coffees into the table next to Luke, his phone tucked between the cups. Calum and Michael followed Ashton out of the room. Luke pulled himself up to listen to their conversation.

“The doctor said-“ Ashton started.

Calum interrupted, “ _We know._ He just wanted one memory, Ash. We weren’t going to say much else.”

“We care about Luke just as much as you do,” Michael said, his voice gentle. “Just think how scary this all is for him. In his head, he’s a fifteen year old lad. He doesn’t have the life experiences our Luke has.”

“Which is why we need to take it slow,” Ashton rehashed. “Luke needs to be in Sydney with his family, Molly, and his old room. He needs familiarity.”

Calum disagreed, “Ashton, we can’t go back in time. Luke needs to stay here. As soon as our Luke comes back, he’ll appreciate that we didn’t stop playing music.”

 _Our Luke_ … Luke’s stomach churned. What was he now if he wasn’t himself?

“Music he’s never even heard,” Ashton bickered. The argument continued, but Luke wasn’t focusing on it anymore.

He remembered something. It wasn’t clear and the colors in his imagination were vivid, exaggerated. But it was still a memory.

 _“Why are you my writing partner?” Ashton snapped, pointing a finger at Michael. “You’re a perv and all your lyrics are about sex. ‘_ Drinking all the way to third base,’ _was something this one thought up today.”_

_“That song is badass, and you know it,” Michael said dismissively. “But it’s fine. We can switch it up, and I’ll write with Luke tomorrow.”_

_“Tomorrow we’re gonna have a song about rainbows and bunny-kittens,” Calum joked, humming a melody. “_ I’m gettin’ lost in your colours, hoppin’ for hours, meowing for days… _”_

_“Ashton can have just a solo where he meows,” Michael brainstormed then proceeded to demonstrate._

_Luke was laughing, his body falling back. Calum was now harmonizing with Michael’s meows._

_“Let me voice memo this, to save for John,” Ashton chuckled, pulling out his phone._

_Luke strummed his guitar while Calum created ridiculous song lyrics and Michael meowed along. Ashton recorded all of their antics, a grin on his face. Out of the corner of his eye, Luke saw Ashton snap a picture of him. Ashton smiled down at it._

_“Check this out,” Ashton giggled, thrusting his phone at Luke. It was a very nice picture. Luke was smiling at his friends, a smile that lit his whole face._

_“Are you gonna post that?” Luke questioned._

_Ashton shook his head. “Nah. Gotta keep some stuff for ourselves, right?”_

Luke still heard squabbling coming from the hallway. Rolling his eyes, he reached for his coffee – with the giant D on the label. Ashton’s phone almost tumbled out of the carrier, but Luke snatched it before it dropped. He glanced towards the door, giving himself a second to make up his mind. Quickly, Luke switched on Ashton’s phone, punched in the password, and he was in. He located Pictures quickly. Ashton had thousands. Luke groaned. He just wanted to find that picture Ashton took, but he didn’t know how far back that memory was. So, Luke scrolled, stopping occasionally at a picture that looked interesting.

“Luke, listen…what are you doing with my phone?”

The boys walked back into the room. Ashton closed the space between them and pulled the phone out of Luke’s hands.

“I told you that-“

“Do you have the picture you took of me from when Calum wrote that song about cats?” Luke blurted, reaching for the device.

Calum gaped, while Michael’s eyes went wide. Ashton’s brow furrowed.

“You remember that stupid song?” Calum questioned. “Do you still have the voice memo, Ash?”

Ashton shook his head. “I don’t, and I’m not sure what picture you mean, Luke."

“It was of me smiling, and-“

“Nope, don’t think I have that one,” he answered immediately. Ashton scrolled through his phone, possibly looking for the picture, but his eyes weren’t seeing much, Luke assumed, because Ashton kept glancing towards him. “We should probably go though. I’m sure Luke is tired.”

Luke was going to object, but Ashton was already saying his goodbyes. Calum, however, didn’t follow behind the way Michael did.

“How’d you remember Ashton’s password?” he asked, looking inquisitive.

Luke’s hands twitched. Calum was right. How didn’t they notice? How didn’t _he_ notice? He can’t remember what he did last month, but he can remember Ashton’s password?  Ashton appeared in the door, really studying Luke.

“I don’t know,” Luke mumbled.

“You spent a solid week trying to break into my phone,” Ashton muttered. “You were like Michael getting really into one of his video games. Do you think you ever forgot it?”

Luke thought - reforming the numbers in his head - if he could remember this, what else could he be storing away? 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, the story's going to pick up more after this chapter - there's lots of flashbacks and drama and excitement! Everything is planned out! =) I hope you're enjoying this as much as I am enjoying writing it. Feedback is 100% appreciated!


	4. Your Cure

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Previously: Ashton is preventing Calum and Michael from saying anything to Luke, in fear of him relapsing - and it's driving Luke insane! He does have his first flashback, though. It's just a simple memory of him and his friends goofing around, but it makes him realize that his brain is holding onto a lot of secrets that he wants.

**Four.** Your Cure

_I’m right here. When you gonna realize that I’m your cure?_

Hospital was a prison. Luke usually woke up anxious, immediately seeing the clean, sterilized environment. He’s been in the same room, in the same bed for so long, the flowers he’d gotten were beginning to wilt. Not to mention, his memories haven’t returned. He’s had one or two flashbacks, but mostly, Luke just saw fuzzy images, like snapshots of things that may or may not be his imagination. Sometimes he thought he was making up his own memories. He _wished_ crowds screamed when he said his name.

His therapist advised him to record anything he considered a memory. At first, that’s what he did – quick bullet points of things he “remembered,” but now he used the notebook for jotting down song lyrics. The radio in his frontal lobe kept playing potential songs; he’d have to show the boys.

His friends reassured him he’d be out of the hospital soon. They would stay in Chicago until Luke got the go-ahead to fly back to Australia. Luke never asked why they were in America, knowing Michael and Calum heeded Ashton’s warnings. It frustrated him that Ashton was so overbearing, especially since he hasn’t been around recently.

Today, Calum and Michael scampered into the room right around lunchtime. Luke stirred what looked like rat stew but glanced up to the sound of his door creaking open.

“Presents!” Calum chirped, poking his head around the door, presenting a vase of flowers before walking into the room.

“Christ, Cal, those are from the reception desk!” Luke said, horrified. “Go put them back!”

Calum shook his head. “They won’t notice,” he insisted, placing the flowers on Luke’s drawer.

“They will notice as soon as they walk into my- Michael! That’s my pudding!” Luke groaning, reaching after his dessert, but Michael pushed it out of reach.

“That’s cruel, especially after having to eat this rat stew,” Luke fretted. “Whatever. Vanilla isn’t my favourite anyhow.”

“What’s on the agenda today, Lucas?” Calum asked, sitting on the sofa in the corner of the room. “When do they start probing you?”

Luke flipped him off. “I have my therapist after lunch, but other than that, I’m free, which means you can bring your X-Box,” Luke hinted, nibbling his crackers. “Actually, my guitar isn’t around, is it? I’ve been itching to play. I keep coming up with song lyrics, maybe some new stuff our band can try. I keep them in this dinky diary my therapist makes me use for her sessions.” Luke tried to ignore the way Michael glanced over his shoulder at Calum, still sending those secret messages most likely about him. “Come on, guys. We’ve gotta get back to a little bit of normalcy, right?”

“Can we see them?” Michael questioned, gesturing to the notebook beside Luke’s tray.

Eagerly, Luke snatched the book, and flipped to his favorite lyrics. “Okay. They’re a little rough, but I still think they’re clever,” he cleared his throat. “ _Yell “cut,” we're stuck inside this scene. This is heartache on the big screen.”_

When Luke glanced up from his notepad, Michael and Calum gaped at him. He waited for feedback, for them to gesture even, but they weren’t even moving. He knew it was a decent lyric, but nothing paralyzing.

“Read another,” Calum muttered, leaning forward in his seat.

“Alright, um, _I need your love to guide me back home. When I'm with you, I'm never alone_. I especially like that one.”

“Do you have a tune for it?” Michael asked almost immediately.

Luke bit his lip, thinking. He started humming, then groaned. “It’s rough. That’s why I need my guitar.”

“No, it’s badass,” Michael whispered, looking distant. Michael glanced at Calum, who shared his look. “One more…”

Licking his lips, Luke started, “This one I may have a tune for. It’s _I dedicate this song to you - the one who never sees the truth - that I can take away your hurt-_ ”

“ _Heartbreak girl,”_ Calum sung automatically.

Luke gasped, sitting up straighter. “That’s perfect!”

“I’m calling Ashton,” was Calum’s retort, rushing from the room, his phone already out.

Michael and Luke stared after Calum then Luke shut his notebook in favor of mixing the rat stew. He didn’t linger on Calum’s odd behavior.

“Any new memories?” Michael asked, making himself more comfortable on Luke’s bed. “Do you remember you owe me fifty bucks?”

“And I’ll give it to you as soon as I get that memory back,” Luke said smugly. “I got a couple new ones. I don’t know how real they are though.”

“Maybe I can help.”

Luke shrugged. “I don’t think so because you weren’t in them. Neither was Cal.”

“What were they about then?”

“Ashton,” Luke muttered, sounding as confused as he was when he had the flashbacks.

“Can you explain them to me?”

Luke remembered having the first flashback. It wasn’t triggered by something. He wasn’t thinking about anything in particular. He was just listening to one of the albums Ashton gave him, and suddenly, he remembered…

_“Asteroid to Penguin Boy.”_

_The voice came out of nowhere. Luke jolted in bed, almost standing up. He searched around him for the voice._

_“Can you read me, Penguin Boy?” it echoed._

_“No, I…” Echoed…_

_Luke leapt to his feet, crossed the room, and hastily pulled open the drawer compartments. Sitting inside the bottom compartment was a walkie-talkie. Luke picked it up, pushing the call button._

_“Penguin Boy? Really,_ Ashton? _Not something cooler like Luke Skywalker?” Luke questioned._

_Ashton’s scratchy voice replied, “You have to say over! Over.” A second later, he was speaking again. “And call us by our codenames, Penguin Boy. Over.”_

_Luke snickered, jumping onto his bed. “Asteroid, when did you sneak this into my hotel room? You could just call me.” Ashton didn’t reply. Luke sighed, “Over.”_

_“This is way more fun! Come find me! I’ll give you a riddle. Ready? Over.”_

_“I’m ready. Over.”_

_Luke placed the walkie-talkie down as he slid on his shoes._

_“What’s blue or green, and smells like chlorine? Over.”_

_“Seriously?” Luke mocked. “That’s not a riddle.”_

_“JUST GO TO IT!” Ashton yelled into the walkie-talkie. Luke smiled._

_“Asteroid, you need to control your anger,” Luke said self-righteously. ”But I’m on it! Penguin Boy, over and out.”_

Michael’s brow was furrowed, his chin leaning on his open hand. Luke explained the memory as well as he could. He didn’t recall the exact dialogue, but he did remember how he felt during the flashback: excitement, amusement, and something else he couldn’t quite grasp. Appreciation, maybe?

“That’s it then. I only get little pieces, never the whole picture. It’s like I have a spotlight pointed on me, and the light’s blinding me. I can only see shadows of things, and I’m not sure if it’s real.”

“Or a trick of light,” Michael added.

“Exactly because the next flashback I had was of Ashton and me swimming, but it wasn’t in the hotel.”

“What was that flashback?”

_Luke watched the woman as she talked. No, not listened. He was more focused on the pool sitting quaintly on the other side of the glass doors behind her._

_“Are there any surveillance cameras on the premises?” Luke questioned, glazing over his shoulder._

_The woman with the shiny ‘Katherine’ nametag, shook her head. “But it wouldn’t be a problem to install them, Mr. Hemmings. The entire estate is secured by the security system. I assure you, you’ll be very safe.”_

_“We hope because it’s our plan to get a dog. We wouldn’t want poor Ketchup getting stolen,” Ashton stated, crossing his arms. The woman insisted that that wouldn’t happen and proceeded to talk about the home security system as she took them further into their tour of the house._

_Ashton leaned towards Luke and whispered, “What scheme have you cooked up now?”_

_“Why doesn’t our hotel have a pool?” Luke hissed. “We’re in Vegas, in the middle of summer, and all I want to do is swim.”_

_“What? You’re gonna ask our pal Katy here to take a dip with us? I doubt she’ll want to go swimming with two teenagers,” Ashton’s breathed back._

_“No, Ashton, you’re missing the big picture – or rather, the big pool behind Real Estate Agent Katy.”_

_Luke winked and followed Katherine up the wooden staircase._

“And then the memory ends,” Luke concluded.

Michael was smiling. “That happened! That was a year ago. We snuck in after our concert.”

“We’ve been in the United States for a year?” Luke asked, flabbergasted.

Michael groaned, “Ashton is going to kill me.”

Heat started boiling inside Luke, making his extremities go cold. His face contorted with anger, and he almost bellowed, “Mikey, no, just screw him!”

“He just cares-“

Luke cut him off. “He doesn’t understand how it feels to not remember your life! I feel like a dog, being given scraps. Ashton can yabber all he wants about my amnesia, but he doesn’t know. I’m entitled to my memories!”

“Luke, you just need time-“

“I don’t. I need answers.”

What Luke failed to tell Michael was that there was more of that second memory…

_“What if the real estate agent forgot to mention the fifty kilo dog?” Calum mumbled, peering into the house as Luke punched in the security code._

_“What are we going to tell the police when we get arrested?” Michael asked, equally as hesitant. “We just wanted to take a dip?”_

_“At least my parents won’t be shocked. They always expected me to go to jail,” Calum said._

_“We aren’t going to prison, and we won’t get caught, unless you two keep talking!” Ashton interjected._

_They got into the house safely. After Luke warned them to be quiet because the neighbors would be sleeping and “sounds coming from a vacant house would be suspicious,” they jumped into the pool. They swam until around 2 AM, dunking each other, playing a whisper game of Marco Polo, and Calum even tried and failed to initiate skinny dipping, which only made Luke blush._

_“Do you think there’s food?” Michael asked, swimming to the edge and lifting himself out._

_“No one’s lived here in weeks. If there is food, I wouldn’t eat it,” Ashton advised, swimming closer to Luke. He poked him in the side, making Luke yelp._

_“Let’s check!” Calum exclaimed, getting out of the pool as well. Michael and Calum scampered into the house._

_Suddenly, Luke felt something heavy wrap around his shoulders and stomach. The weight almost dragged him under, but Luke threw his head back to keep water from getting into his mouth. His head connected with something. Behind him, he heard a groan as the arms and legs detached from him._

_Luke paddled around to face his attacker. “Dammit, Luke!” Ashton growled, massaging his chin._

_“If you weren’t acting like an octopus… Let me see, you big baby,” Luke cooed, reaching forward._

_He pulled Ashton’s hand away, replacing it with his own. Rubbing his thumb over the wound, Luke decided it would swell. He could tell even in the moonlight. His thumb caught the little hairs on Ashton’s face._

_Luke didn’t know when he stopped massaging the bruise and just ran his thumb along Ashton’s jaw._

_“You have stubble,” Luke whispered._

_Ashton laughed and seemed to have moved closer. “I’m not a boy anymore,” he breathed, his warm breath hitting Luke, making him feel suddenly cold._

_“Nothing in the fridge!” Calum yelped, jumping back into the pool, the wave hitting the boys in the face._

_After Luke shook water from his face, he noticed Ashton had swum to the edge of the pool, away from him._

Even thinking about it now, Luke still had the same feeling – rejection.

“Soon, Luke. There won’t be anymore secrets,” Michael reassured.

Luke and Michael finished up Luke’s lunch, right on time for his therapy session. The nurse walked into the room to collect Luke. She was kind of pretty, so Michael eyed her up. Luke was too busy watching this exchange that he missed Calum and Ashton walking through the door. A guitar case was in Calum’s hand.

“Sweet!” Luke exclaimed upon seeing them, pulling away from the nurse. He stumbled forward, almost falling on his face. Luke was still retraining his muscles. Ashton already had his hands out to catch Luke. He grasped onto his upper arms. Luke’s wilting form aligned with Ashton’s height, and they were at eye level. Whatever he felt in that one flashback slowly crept back to him. His cheeks flushed.

“Honey, I know you’re excited to see your friends,” the nurse said tenderly, “but you also have to take it easy.”

“I was mainly just excited to see my guitar,” Luke insisted. Slowly, Ashton drew his hands away, which were replaced with the nurse’s.

“Do your friends want to join your session, Luke?” she asked, eying Michael again.

“Will you be there, Nurse Penny?” Michael asked, his voice smooth like caramel.

“Actually, I’m taking my lunch now.”

“You know, it’s probably not the best idea if we go,” Calum stated. “Isn’t it private? Doesn’t Luke tell him deepest, darkest secrets? Besides, are all the nurses here attractive because I may need to become a doctor?”

Nurse Penny giggled and shrugged. She took them onto the elevator. Luke’s arm was pressed against Ashton’s in the small space, and he listened to Calum chatter on about how much like _Grey’s Anatomy_ her life is.

“Do you want me to go with you?” Ashton suddenly whispered into Luke’s ear. He stiffed. Half of him resented Ashton, while the other half…he wasn’t sure. Missed him?

“If you want. It’s incredibly boring. Lots of _How do you feel? How does that make you feel?_ questions.”

The four friends ended up separating. Once Luke and Ashton were in the therapist’s room, they gazed at the long leather couch. Ashton insisted Luke lay down, which Luke didn’t even do last time. Ashton flopped down onto the floor in front of the couch, sitting like a child.

“You look ridiculous. You can sit next to me,” Luke pointed out, making room beside him. Ashton only looked at him. Annoyed, Luke grabbed Ashton and yanked him up. “If only I could remember why you have such a problem with me, this would be so much easier.”

Luke didn’t look at Ashton again. His eyes were fixated on his therapist’s diploma hanging on the wall. He could see Ashton gaping at him. He didn’t say anything however. A moment later, the doctor walked in.

“Oh!” she shrieked, clapping her hands with delight. “I finally get to meet one of the friends you always rave about! Who are you, dear?”

“Ashton,” he answered, standing up to shake her hand.

“So, proper,” she cooed. “I’m Dr. Fairing, but I have Luke call me Samantha. So, Luke, have you filled up that notebook I gave you yet?”

“Not quite,” Luke answered sheepishly. “I’ve had two more flashbacks though and a couple, like fuzzy images. I talked to my friend Michael and asked him how true they were.”

“I love that you have your friends here supporting you! And you all are so far from home!”

“It’s really hard getting home with everything going on, but we like to say that when we’re together, we are home,” Ashton spoke, not even looking at Luke. “We wouldn’t leave Luke when he needs us most.”

Luke could feel the bile rising in his throat. He stared at Ashton disbelievingly. How was he able to say what he just did when Luke could count the number of times he’s seen Ashton since being in the hospital on one hand?

“That is so precious,” she said, crossing her hands over her heart dramatically. Luke fought the urge to roll his eyes. “Now, Luke, these memories…”

Luke nodded, feeling suddenly uncomfortable next to Ashton. He started recapping his memories. He had to pause every so often and collect himself because Ashton kept making eye contact with him. His expression was neutral, and Luke had the absurd idea that Ashton would be wonderful at poker. He wanted a response from Ashton but decided that him reacting at all was response enough. Luke chose to leave out the second-half of the swimming memory, like he had with Michael.

“Ashton, what do you think of these memories? Are they accurate?” the therapist asked.

 Ashton fidgeted, trying to find a new position to sit. “Um, yeah.”

“I just wonder why _those_ memories have started spilling back. Surely, your album release-“

“We haven’t…” Ashton interrupted her. Luke thought smugly that he can’t control _everyone._ “He doesn’t know yet.”

She nodded, scribbling something on her notepad. “Because his memories are slowly coming back, he might be ready. Although smell triggers the memory the fastest, music can as well.”

Luke wanted to jump up and high-five Dr. Samantha, until…

“Also, I think that Ashton is very helpful to you regaining your memories, Luke, so I’d advise you to keep him around.”

“What do you mean?” Luke asked.

“Be around him more. I’m sure that won’t be too difficult, seeing as you consider each other ‘home.’ At least until you’re cleared to go back to your actual home.”

Ashton agreed cheerfully, patting Luke’s knee. His hand lingered, and Luke caught sight of the small dusting of freckles on Ashton’s hand. He imaged himself tracing them, making an invisible line.

“Constellation of freckles,” Luke muttered to himself, but Ashton must have heard it.

He pulled his hand away and turned to Luke. “What?”

“Nothing,” he whispered, gripping his own hands tightly. Luke wondered how hard it’d be to block any confusing memories about Ashton – so, all of them – when he’d be around much, much more. He wanted answers, yet was expecting so much more confusion.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm writing the dialogue in Australian(ish) and the narration in American. I'm sorry if that has bothered anyone, or if I'm annoyingly bringing it to your attention >.


	5. Colours Fade to Grey

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Previously: Luke is slowly (very slowly, unfortunately) remembering his past - first through 5 Seconds of Summer lyrics he's "coming up with," then with more flashbacks. The first flashback is of Ashton using a walkie-talkie to cox Luke into finding him. The second flashback is of the boys sneaking into a house to use their pool, though Luke leaves out the bit of the flashback where he and Ashton are alone because what happens between them is just really confusing. Aside from the memories, Luke has to go to a therapist, who suggests hanging around Ashton (who has conveniently been avoiding him) because he's triggering new memories.

**Five.** Colours Fade to Grey

_Let’s seize the day. Let’s run away. Don’t let the colours fade to grey. We’ll never be as young as we are now._

Getting Luke out of the hospital was like a secret service mission. He remembers hearing Ashton muttering angrily about fans sitting outside the building yesterday.

“This might be overwhelming, Luke,” Calum warned today, sitting on Luke’s suitcase as Michael zipped it. “Michael, the dumbass that he is, tweeted that you were discharged from the hospital.”

“The Chicago PD keeps clearing the area,” Michael informed, shrugging like he did nothing wrong. “There should only be like fifty people.”

“He shouldn’t have to deal with that,” Ashton murmured from the corner where he sat. Since his therapist suggested Ashton keep him company, Luke’s seen him more, but Ashton was like a shadow – there but not really present.

“Ash, what do you expect?” Michael asked. “There’s always _someone_ waiting outside.”

“They’d better be respectful,” Ashton said simply, not looking up from his phone.

Soon after, someone on their management team (Luke had a hard time learning names because he was meeting so many new people every day) informed the boys their ride was waiting outside, and that Michael was right, there were about fifty fans surrounding the entrance.

As soon as they stepped off the elevator and into the lobby, there was a string of screams muffled by the glass sliding doors. Luke stared wide-eyed at the entrance, freezing. A warm, wide hand slid its way onto the small of his back. Whenever Ashton touched him, his body always had a reaction, which confused the hell out of him. Now, it felt like ice sliding down his abdomen.

Ashton’s breath warmed Luke’s ear as he whispered, “Are you ready for this? I can just drag you right to the car.”

Transfixed on the excited crowd, Luke muttered, “What should I expect?”

“They love you, Luke. They’re just happy you’re okay.”

The words hung in the air. Luke glanced back and his breath caught. Ashton’s eyes finished what he never said, _So am I._

“I’m ready,” Luke said, looking away. Ashton nudged him forward. In his head, Luke saw Ashton’s sympathetic expression; he didn’t need to actually look at his friend for confirmation.

Calum and Michael were already outside, taking pictures and signing autographs. Luke’s heart swelled seeing this. He remembered the thousands of fans from Twitter; they weren’t unknown but having tangible people show their support, coming all this way just for a glimpse of him and his bandmates made Luke feel lighter.

The doors opened, and there was a chorus of _LUKE!_ He hit a wall of girls: with phones staring at him, sobbing while clinging to each other, jumping frantically, waving pictures of the band. What had he done right to receive this response? He was just a normal fifteen year old kid.

But he wasn’t, was he?

He looked sideways at Ashton, who gave him a small smile. He was right; these people just loved him, a love that he did nothing to deserve. But he wouldn’t let them down. Luke walked towards a brunette wearing a flower crown and clutching a photo of him.

“Luke, I love you so much!” she croaked, tears spilling down her face. “I cried when I found out you were in that accident!” Luke reached out and tapped her shoulder, trying to comfort her, but she only cried harder. “C-can I have a hug?”

“Um,” Luke mumbled, awkwardly reaching forward. The brunette grabbed a hold of him, sobbing into his shoulder. He didn’t know the appropriate length of time to hug a fan, so she might have been very lucky.

After a few more interactions like this – taking awkward pictures (“How are you supposed to pose?” Luke muttered to Calum at one point), signing pictures of himself (“Do I really look like this?” he asked a girl who stared at him with a combination of confusion and awe), and hugging every person who asked – Ashton must have noticed the strain this encounter took on Luke because he pulled him towards the car.

Inside, Luke sighed. “Thanks.”

Ashton nodded. “That must have been a lot.”

“I didn’t do anything to deserve all this. They’re amazing,” Luke said honestly, watching Calum and Michael fight their way away from the crowd to get into the car.

“Luke, you’ve done nothing but dedicate your life to 5SOS for years. When we get back to the flat, I think it’s time for you to reconnect with the band,” Ashton declared as the car pulled away.

“You’re so fucking dramatic, Ash,” Michael noted from the front seat, turning on the radio.

As Luke stared out the window at the passing city, his thoughts still lingered on the group of people outside the hospital. He wanted to know how many fans they had. What did their album sound like? Where have they travelled? Had they done any tours? There were a lot of unanswered questions.

This city felt so big, and Luke felt so small. Luke pulled his knee to his chest, wanting to feel grounded.

His brain took him back to another, simpler time…

 _“_ HEY! I JUST MET YOU, AND THIS IS CRAZY, BUT HERE’S MY NUMBER SO-“

_“SHUT THIS FUCKING SONG OFF, MICHAEL!” Luke shouted over the earsplitting music thumping out of the car stereo._

_Michael immediately turned down the volume, looking like a puppy that’d just been kicked._

_“Where are we going? It’s 10 PM,” Calum whined sleepily, snuggling into Luke’s chest, his body curled into a ball._

_Ashton, who was driving, glanced at them through the rearview mirror._

_“Surprise,” he said lightheartedly. But Ashton’s surprises were never anything special; they were probably on their way to_ Burgerfuel.

_Calum was snoring by the time they got to their destination. After weaving their way up a curvy dirt trail, Ashton parked in an empty lot wrapped around by a metal guardrail. They had a perfect view of the quiet city that sat below. The lights were dimmed in the darkness, and the boys were so far away that it just looked like a pool of different colored stars._

_“I found this when I was out for my morning run,” Ashton said, exiting the car._

Michael groaned from the front seat. Dismayed, Luke was pulled from his memory. “They found our flat,” Michael said, pointing to the group of people camped out on the sidewalk in front of their complex.

Ashton immediately started suggesting ways to get Luke inside without drawing attention, but Luke was already trying to get back into his head to retrieve the rest of that memory. He caught Calum staring at him.

“What?” Luke asked, furrowing his brow.

“You just looked like you were having a vision - like _That’s So Raven,”_ he said, grinning.

“I was, you dick,” Luke laughed.

Ashton stopped talking to Michael and looked at Luke, expectantly. “What was it of?”

“You were driving us somewhere. It was pretty deserted,” Luke explained. “You were probably going to murder us.”

“How can you get the rest of the memory?” Calum questioned.

“I’m not sure. It’ll happen eventually,” Luke said, as the car pulled into the development. “I’ll meet more fans. I don’t care.”

“You sure, man?” Michael asked, turning to face the others. Luke just shrugged.

The fans here were just as excited as the ones at the hospital. Luke was signing a CD when the rest of the memory fizzled in. Luke excused himself and rushed into the lobby, sitting on the first couch he saw. Ashton ran in soon after, but Luke waved him off.

_“So, wait, what are the northern lights again?” Luke asked, wrapping the blanket he’d brought tighter around himself. He and Ashton were sitting on the hood of Ash’s car. Inside the car, Michael and Calum fell asleep sometime past midnight._

_“They’re lights in the sky.”_

_Luke laughed. “Thanks, Ash. That’s specific. Like, what should I be looking for?”_

_“I don’t know. Something UFO-like. I heard it on the news. Thought it’d be something cool to see.”_

_“What time is this light show gonna happen?”_

_“Between ten and four,” Ashton said simply. Luke gaped at him._

_The boys sat on the hood of the car for two more hours, just talking. Suddenly around 2 AM, Luke yelped, sitting up straight, pointing to the sky. A dim green light flooded across the stretch of night. Slowly, it ebbed, growing into a stronger gleam. The process was slow, but Luke was transfixed, watching the green pick up a bluish hue._

_“Everything’s gonna change,” Ashton murmured, staring at the sky._

_“Yeah but it’s changing for the better.”_

_“I don’t want to forget this kind of stuff though. I don’t want these memories to fade,” Ashton said dreamily._

_“No, we won’t forget these moments,” Luke promised, linking hands with Ashton. The sudden burst of heat he felt made him drop his friend’s hand. “Er-um- let’s wake up Cal and Mikey.”_

The heat Luke felt from the memory still burned his hand. He glanced down and noticed Ashton had placed his palm of top of Luke’s hand. Just as quickly as Luke noticed, Ashton pulled his hand away, massaging it like it ached.

“What was that memory?” Ashton questioned, looking really interested in getting the answer.

“The northern lights,” Luke breathed, seeing the lights behind his eyes.

 Ashton chuckled, something Luke was growing fond of. “We spent the night in that car, and in the morning, we ran out of battery _and_ petrol. Our management team was sprewin’!”

Luke smiled but it quickly fell. “I said I’d never forget those moments. How ironic.”

“They’re coming back, Luke. Everything…” Ashton trailed off. Luke peered over to see Ashton studying him. Luke raised him eyebrows, urging him to continue. “Everything will come back.”

“I need to know about our band, Ashton. I feel like a fake,” Luke confessed, “I woke up in a dream, and I’m waiting for it to turn into a nightmare, as cliché as it sounds. Seriously, it’s like, one day you wake up and are handed everything you ever wanted. That can’t be real.”

Ashton gazed at Luke like he was the most interesting person in the world.

“Come on. It’s time you met the band.”

They went up to the apartment. The excitement of having his own place with his best friends filled him up. He kept telling himself he’s probably been on his own for a while now, but in his head, this was really the first time. He wanted to just eat junk food, walk around in his underwear, and play video games all day. When he mentioned this to Ashton, he muttered, “Wouldn’t be the first time,” a small smile playing on his friend’s lips.

The first thing Ashton did was pull up YouTube on his laptop. “This is the cover we did of ‘Teenage Dirtbag.’ This must have been a few weeks from where your memories got lost. It’s the first time I played with you guys on your channel. It’s a really shitty cover.”

“This is how I remember you. And Calum and Michael… And myself.”

Luke watched himself and his best friends grow with every video Ashton showed him. He still had so many questions that these music videos intensified, but Luke held off. There was time.

“This next video is the big one. This is why everyone knows our name around the world. I’m not being dramatic either.”

Luke watched a stranger, who looked like himself, sing a song he’d never heard. He felt dizzy. “Stop,” he uttered, pushing the computer away.

“Luke…”

“That’s not me. That can’t-“ Luke paced the threshold of the living room. “Ashton, I can’t be that bloke.”

“Luke, once your memories-“

“They aren’t coming back fast enough! I don’t know any of those songs! I don’t know how to perform. I don’t know how to do interviews. I don’t know how to fucking act around people who spend their time appreciating us. I’m going to let _everyone_ down!”

Luke was shaking. A huge lump was fighting its way up his throat. Ashton rushed forward, pulling Luke into his arms.

“I can’t be him,” Luke gasped, short on breath. “I can’t be him.”

“You are him, Luke,” Ashton whispered. Luke clutched at him hard, finally allowing himself to cry. He should have felt weak, but with Ashton, he felt safe.

*~

Luke was being pulled from a vivid dream, the last bits still etched into his brain. Ashton brought Luke to the room he was sharing with Calum and told him to sleep. Luke didn’t want Ashton to leave, which apparently he sensed because without any exchange of words, Ashton sat at his bedside and hummed him some random song he kind of liked the melody to.

He searched his brain for what happened in the dream, but he just saw a lot of colors – fading in and out, in and out. He brought his hand to his face to wipe the sleep from his eyes but noticed something written on his palm.

_Don’t let the colours fade to grey._

It was written in a neat, curvy handwriting he didn’t recognize.

Suddenly, he remembered the dream…

_Ashton wouldn’t come out of his room. It was like Luke hadn’t seen his friend in days. Every time Luke would knock, the music playing behind the door would get louder. No one did anything to him, all the boys agreed. They didn’t have a fight. Ashton wasn’t dealing with anything at home. It didn’t make sense. He was just…off. They were used to Ashton’s mood swings, but they were also never this drastic._

_Luke was nervous._

_Luke tapped on the door, and expectantly, the music increased._

_“Ash!” Luke called, rapping on the wood again._

_“Go away,” Luke heard Ashton say. “Please.”_

_His heart raced as he reached for the doorknob. Thankfully it turned, and Luke entered Ashton’s room. The lights were off, but from the stream of light coming from the hall, Luke could make out a lump of blankets on Ashton’s bed. He pulled the sheets over his face before Luke could see him._

_“Ash-“_

_“No, go away.”_

_Luke bit his lip as he sat down on Ashton’s bed._

_“Ashton-“_

_“Luke, are you fucking serious? I just want to be left alone!” Ashton growled, his fists tightening on his sheets._

_Luke almost got up and left, but something was wrong, and he wouldn’t let Ashton face this alone._

_“No!” Luke forced, tugging at the blankets. It was a struggled getting them away from Ashton’s face. He was stronger of the two. But Ashton gave up remarkably fast._

_Pulling the blankets aside exposed his face, chest, and arm. Luke’s stomach churned._

_“Ash…”_

_“I said leave,” Ashton whispered, his breathing shallow._

_“When did you…Ashton, I thought… You’re cutting again.”_

_Ashton reached for the sheets, but Luke was faster, pulling at Ashton’s arm. His fingers grazed the pink skin. Ashton winced._

_“Everything’s starting for us, Ash. I don’t understand.”_

_“There’s just too much to deal with right now, Luke! I can’t fucking handle this all!” Ashton choked out._

_“You have us,” Luke said, almost pleading. “You have your family. You have fans who love you, who you’ve helped. What if this was one of them? One of us? You’re my best friend, Ashton. Please don’t do this.”_

_“What if I’m not worth it? What if you’re just wasting your time on someone who’s useless? What if I let them down?”_

_“No, you’re strong and smart and talented. The only way you can let us down is if you give up on yourself.”_

_Luke sighed, searching Ashton’s bedside table for something. Eventually, he retrieved a pen and gripped Ashton’s hand. He scribbled something in his sloppy handwriting, but he knew it’d be legible to Ashton. Ashton glanced down at the note._

_“_ Don’t let the colours fade to grey _?”_

_“Don’t stop fighting, Ash.”_

Luke stared at his hand, rereading the writing – the same message he scratched onto Ashton’s hand. Luke threw himself out of bed. The boys sat in the living room. Michael and Calum were playing an intense game of FIFA, while Ashton played on his phone. The three of them glanced in his direction, but he made his way right to Ashton.

Before Ashton could say anything, Luke grabbed his arm, palm face-up towards the ceiling. There were no cuts, and if there were scars, they weren’t visible.

“You stopped,” Luke gasped, running his fingers up Ashton’s wrist.

Ashton started at Luke, awestruck. He didn’t say anything for a couple seconds. “You remember that?”

“You promised I’d remember everything, right?”

“Everything…” Ashton breathed.

 Luke wanted to understand the look Ashton was giving him. He wanted it more than his memories in that moment.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don’t know if you guys think this is disgustingly fluffy, but I choked up a few times writing this chapter. I appreciate all your feedback. It’s all lovely! =)


	6. A Feeling that I Can't Fight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Previously: Luke gets discharged, and all the fans find out. It's overwhelming when he has to meet them, and when Ashton lets him listen to their band's music for the first time, Luke panics. He's also consumed by multiple memories: watching the northern lights with the boys and catching Ashton cutting again. Things are more confusing than ever.

**Six.** A Feeling that I Can’t Fight

_Before it started, it was over. I feel our bodies getting colder. She gives me a feeling that I can’t fight, and it’s the road that leads to nowhere, but all I wanna do is go there._

Living with his best friends was like a vacation. No homework. No nagging parents. No responsibilities. Yesterday, Luke spent four hours in his underwear playing Mario Kart with Michael, while eating three platefuls of spaghetti, and then seven more hours just banding. He was living his thirteen-year-old-self’s dream.

The management allowed them to have a break from touring, much to Luke’s relief. He panicked thinking about it. The boys convinced their team that Luke needed to recover, and that the fans would understand. No one was sure if telling the world that Luke had amnesia was a good idea, though.

“They went bat-shit when they found out about the crash,” Calum informed. “How would they feel knowing you forgot them?”

Luke spent a lot of time thinking about this. Part of him wanted everyone to know. That way, he wouldn’t disappoint them when he started performing again. They’d be lenient. They’d even be appreciative that Luke relearned everything. But the other part of him didn’t want to be looked at as broken.

Slowly, Luke was relearning the band’s songs. He kept surprising himself with how quickly he remembered the chord progressions, like his fingers had a better memory than his mind. One thing he did realize: he loved what the band had become.

That night, Luke stepped out of the shower, water spritzed around the bathroom as if the ceiling leaked. The boys would complain about the tsunami Luke left either way, so he bypassed soaking it up. Wrapping a towel around his waist, Luke caught sight of himself in the mirror.

From what he remembered, he was shooting up, growing taller than six feet, and now, he seemed to have reached a peak. He was long and lean, and becoming less of a boy with each passing day. As he studied himself in the mirror, he noticed small, pink scars that tore into his arms and torso. They were from the accident, he knew. They stood against his pale skin like paint splatters on a fresh canvas. He bit his lip as he grazed his fingers along his chest, tracing the tiny cuts like a connect-the-dots game.

A brisk knock on the door shook Luke from his trance.

“Do you still have exploding diarrhea?” Ashton’s chuckle killed the seriousness of the question.

“I never-“ Luke groaned, cutting himself off. “What is it? I’m not…decent.”

As if he completely missed what Luke said, Ashton opened the bathroom door. Luke objected, trying to pull the door shut, but Ashton lodged himself through the crack.

“I’ve seen you naked,” Ashton said nonchalantly, “Got nothing to hide from me, mate.”

Luke, who was busy adjusting his towel, threw his head up so fast, he almost cracked his neck. “What?”

Ashton’s mouth dropped open, before his lips grew into a grin. He laughed, “We’ve all seen each other’s junk. No boundaries.” Luke rejected his brain trying to pull up those particular memories.

That really didn’t surprise him though. It’s only been a few days and already he can’t count the number of times he’s seen Calum nude on one hand anymore. He was learning little things about his friends, like Calum was the worst at cooking, but he genuinely tried. He seasoned everything to hide the undercooked/burnt taste. Michael was always on his phone – if it be because he’s jotting down song lyrics or calling his mother to talk about getting zombie bites while you sleep.

He noticed things about Ashton the most though. Half the things Ashton said were sung. He absentmindedly drummed on all surfaces, including humans. He didn’t untie his shoes; he just slipped them on and off. He went up steps two at a time. He rarely combed his hair. He also never smelled the same – it was different combinations of peppermint, sweets, and woods.

Right now, Ashton smelled like licorice. “Why are you even awake? It’s past midnight,” Luke wondered. His grip on his towel tightened. He cursed himself for forgetting his clothes in his bedroom.

“I have minimal hours in a day to do nothing, so I have to take advantage of that,” Ashton replied. His socks dipped into a particularly large puddle, and he groaned. “I was hoping this memory loss would make you forget some bad habits – like your tidal wave showers.”

“Nope, only forgot the unimportant stuff.”

Luke almost missed Ashton’s small smile, aimed at the tiled floor.

“I had a reason for coming here though,” Ashton said, “and it wasn’t just to make you uncomfortable.”

“You don’t make me uncomfortable,” Luke said instantly.

“I was kidding, Luke,” he giggled, the sound bouncing off the tile. “Matt, our manager, emailed me, and I think we’re gonna get the greenlight to head back to Australia.” Unexpectedly, Luke’s stomach sunk. “What? I thought you’d be excited.” Luke was surprised with how quickly Ashton caught his change in emotion.

“I am. I just- I dunno – I like it here.”

“Yeah, man,” Ashton agreed. “It’s been brilliant having time off, but it’ll be nice to see our families, too.”

Luke recalled how many times in the past week he’d seen Ashton texting his family, sending stupid pictures to his siblings, or recording sweet voice memos for his mother. When was the last time they were in Australia? Maybe it’ll be good to get back to a sense of normalcy, though the promise of returning to this life with his bandmates made the idea of going to Australia more comforting.

“Sounds good,” Luke said, stepping toward the door.

“So, how are you getting on with-“ Ashton’s voice cut out as a loud squeak rang through the bathroom, followed by a heavy thump that vibrated under Luke’s feet. Luke’s stomach twisted. He spun around to see Ashton lying in a jumble on the tile. Luke slide to the ground, huddling over his friend.

“Ash!” Luke exclaimed, placing his hands on either side of Ashton’s face.

Ashton laughed, and Luke knew he was fine. Feeling the panic in his chest subside, Luke’s eyes went out of focus, calling up a memory.

“Luke,” Ashton whispered, pushing himself up on an elbow. “What’s up?”

“I just need a minute,” Luke mumbled, staring down at his lap, his breath picking up.

_Ashton stretched, his stomach peeking out from under his ripped shirt. Luke tried not to stare at the exposed skin. Ashton’s muscles were sore, and working them out a bit was his solution. Ashton groaned however, pressing his hands to his abdomen._

_“You okay, Ash?” Luke asked, pretending he hadn’t been staring at his best friend._

_“Shit,” Ashton grunted. “My fucking stomach.” Ashton found his way to the couch Calum was sitting on, across the room from Luke._

_“You PMSing?” Calum asked._

_“Fuck off. I’ve felt like shit all day, man,” Ashton complained._

_“Our show doesn’t start for two hours. Take a nap or something,” Luke suggested._

_“That’s not likely when it feels like knifes are in my gut,” Ashton groaned, leaning his head back._

_“Did you eat something that could have done this to you?” Luke asked, going towards his suitcase to look for some Tylenol._

_“All I eat is fucking broccoli,” Ashton grunted, hands still on his stomach. “Fuck, I think I’m gonna be sick.”_

_Shocked, Luke ceased his medicine search and rushed towards the drummer. Calum massaged circles into Ashton’s back, as he put his head between his knees._

_“Cal, go find the medic,” Luke said, alarmed._

_Ashton crumbled into a ball, his body hitting the ground. The scream that left his lips next wasn’t like anything Luke’s ever heard. He felt dizzy thinking about what caused such a cry. His hands shook as they wrapped around Ashton’s body._

_“It’s okay, Ashton. Everything will be okay.”_

Luke blinded hard, the dryness in his eyes making them burn. His thoughts drifted, shifting into a different memory.

“No, fuck, this is confusing,” Luke said, shaking his head. He felt Ashton’s fingers on his bare arm.

“Luke?” he questioned.

“I’m remembering two things at once.”

Luke sighed, falling into the second memory.

_Breathing hurt. Maybe if he stopped, it wouldn’t be so bad because every time his chest rose, he wanted to cry out._

_“NO, I NEED TO STAY WITH HIM!” a voice cried out._

_“Sir, you have a concussion and you need stiches,” a stern male voice said._

_“IS HE GONNA BE OKAY? HE’S NOT WAKING UP!” Ashton. It was Ashton yelling._

_“The Medevac will arrive in a few minutes to fly your friend to the hospital on the north-side of Chicago,” the other voice said._

_Luke felt someone grab his fingers, the grip tight. It was Ashton. Luke knew his hands. He would have winced, but his whole body protested._

_“Your friend is stabilized, but he was impacted most from the crash. The other medics will take care of him. But we need to get you to the hospital,” the other commanded. Ashton’s fingers slide away._

_“NO! I CAN’T-“_

_“You’ve already lost a lot of blood!” the stranger yelled._

_“Just give me a minute,” Ashton pleaded, his fingers on Luke again._

_“Fine.”_

_Luke felt a breath in his ear as a heavy weight leaned against his shoulder, and Luke could feel tears in his eyes._

_“Luke,” Ashton whispered. His voice sounded broken. “You’re going to wake up. I won’t leave your side until you do. I’m so sorry.” Ashton’s voice cracked in the last sentence. “You wouldn’t say a word to me, and all I wanted to do was talk to you. I was selfish, so I asked Calum and Michael to take the first car. I had no right, and now look what I fucking did. I’m so sorry, Luke.”_

_A thumb brushed over his cheek._

Ashton’s fingers massaged his arm. Luke was breathing heavily, feeling the remnants of the pain he’d just remembered. He locked eyes with Ashton, who looked worried, his face contorted painfully.

“I don’t understand any of this,” Luke whispered, pulling away from Ashton. “The memories about performing and recording are so easy. These memories are bullshit.”

“What’d you just remember?” Ashton asked, sitting up.

“You falling over in pain before some show,” Luke said, remembering Ashton’s scream.

Ashton nodded, breathing deeply. “I had appendicitis. I had to get surgery last year.”

“So, that was real? I don’t know what’s fucking real anymore,” Luke said, pressing his bare back again the bathroom wall, making him shiver.

Ashton crawled towards Luke and kneeled in front of him. Without a word, he drew up his shirt. Sitting to the left of Ashton’s bellybutton was a thin, horizontal scar. It differed from Luke’s scars.

Absentmindedly, Luke reached forward and touched it, like he needed conformation that it wasn’t in his imagination. Ashton’s abdomen tensed.

“Sorry,” Luke mumbled, drawing his hand away.

“Your hands are cold,” he chuckled. “Luke, I want to help you. If you’re ever confused, don’t be afraid to talk to me.” His eyes were soft, warm, and something exploded in Luke’s chest. His breathing became manual.

There were so many things Luke wanted to ask him. He needed to converse with himself first though. But obviously, he couldn’t. He didn’t know the answers; he couldn’t remember.

Was he making this entire thing up in his head, or was _something_ happening between him and Ashton? And was this the first time? Were these feelings reigniting? Or was Luke just romanticizing this whole situation? Maybe this was all Luke, and Ashton was just super friendly.

All Luke knew was that he felt _something_ towards Ashton. Certain memories confused him. The way his body reacted when Ashton was near drove him insane. Like now, for instance, Ashton was far too close, and the memory of Ashton’s hands on Luke’s skin, made his insides feel like they were drowning.

There were certain things Ashton did that made Luke want to tear at his own skin, too. Ashton was constantly fixing Luke’s hair, muttering things like, “You need more product,” or, “Less fringe,” and that always left Luke flushed. Ashton also had no sense of personal space. He sat too close, was too touchy, and gave too many hugs. There was even one time when Luke caught himself biting his lip, a habit he couldn’t break himself of. He was playing some random song he learned on guitar, while Ashton sat beside him on the couch, eating toast. Luke pursed his lips to refrain from the biting. Unexpectedly, Ashton reached toward him, flicking his finger against the skin Luke had just bitten. He almost snapped the guitar string, his pick flinging out of his fingers. He glanced at Ashton, his mouth open slightly.

Dropping his hand, Ashton admitted, “I do miss your lip ring.”

Luke wanted to say, _Please don’t touch me, Ashton. We’re still strangers,_ but his body didn’t agree. Heat rushed to his face. Ashton looked a little embarrassed as well. But Luke’s eyes followed Ashton’s eyes as they glanced down to Luke’s lips. His heart fluttered. Not even giving himself a moment to consider Ashton, Luke hastily started looking for his pick, moving away from the couch, away from his friend.

He was scared what would have happened if he didn’t leave.

Right now, he was sitting on the bathroom floor, basically naked with his supposed best friend, flushed, embarrassed, and the ghost of Ashton’s whispers from the second memory still rang in his ear.

“I had another memory,” Luke spoke, staring at the foggy mirror above the sink. “I didn’t see anything, I just felt and heard…you.”

Ashton’s eyebrows rose. “Okay?”

“I think it was after the crash. They were life-flighting me to a different hospital, but you were hysterical.”

“You were in a coma,” Ashton gasped. “How do you remember any of that?”

Luke shrugged. “I was awake. I just was in so much pain, I couldn’t move. You whispered something to me.”

“D-do you remember?”

“I-“ Luke hesitated. He wanted to ask Ashton about what he said, but he couldn’t quite figure out the significance. Apparently, they weren’t talking, which surprised him, because all of the memories up to that point were positive. Something happened. But Luke couldn’t remember what. “I don’t. Was it important?”

Ashton considered Luke. “I just said you’re gonna make it,” Ashton breathed.

He was lying.

Why?

What was this boy hiding?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments are wildly appreciated! =)


	7. Loving Me to Death

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Previously: In their place in Chicago, Luke is relearning his friends. He's especially learning a lot about Ashton. His flashbacks, it seems, are always about him. Luke's confused because he's starting to think he's interested in his friend, but it also seems like Ashton has something to hide.

**Seven.** Loving Me to Death

_Tell me where you're hiding your voodoo doll 'cause I can't control myself. I don't wanna stay. I wanna run away, but I'm trapped under your spell, and it hurts in my head, and my heart, and my chest, and I’m having trouble catching my breath. Won’t you please stop loving me to death?_

“Aeroplane selfie!” Calum yelped, holding his phone high over his head. He snapped a picture then immediately looked at the shot. “Lucas, you look so confused.”

Luke laughed, muttered a, “Shut up, Cal,” at him, and leaned his head against the plane window. He anticipated the plane’s take off, staring at the pavement. Going home would be nice, but it might be that _pinch_ that knocked him back into reality.

“Whatcha thinking about?” Calum asked, resting his chin on Luke’s shoulder.

Luke looked over at Calum, his best friend who’s matured so much but stayed exactly the same. Just one hour ago, the two were hurling their suitcases across the waiting area of the airport, seeing who could get their luggage further. Security wasn’t happy when they almost took down a small Mexican family.

“I just think that even when all the memories come back, none of this will feel real,” Luke admitted. “Or I’ll wake up one day, and it’ll be the morning of the Annandale show.”

“You just need to get back into it, mate,” Calum said. “Here. I’ll text you this picture, and you put it on our Twitter. The password is _we were almost bromance,_ no spaces.”

The picture message dinged on Luke’s phone. He drew it up. It was a simple picture of the four boys: Calum smiling goofily, Luke gazing at the camera with a blank look on his face, behind them sat Michael, who stuck out his tongue, and Ashton who gave the Rock On symbol on his fingers. Luke saved the picture, went onto Twitter, and uploaded the image with the caption _Going home <3 –Luke_.

It was almost immediate – the fan response.

**I LOOOVE UUUU LUKEYYY! =’)**

**Luuuuuuukeeeeee lukelukelukeluke #dead**

**HUGHRQ;GQEBGUAQBABRBFULETG,ABFKRGKAGKFBAJBEKFBAJEBFEUF @Luke5SOS**

Luke smiled, spending a little while longer reading the fans’ tweets, taking time to tweet some of the more literate ones back. Eventually, Luke navigated to the band’s tweets. After scrolling through a few about eating and missing the fans, one caught his eye.

_Be patient with him, he misses you but doesnt really understand how much xx_

A link was attached to the tweet, so Luke quickly clicked it. What popped up was a picture of him. He was cocooned in a blanket, sleeping soundly. Luke didn’t know who tweeted this image, but he had his suspicions.

The pilot warned the passengers that they’d be taking off, so phones needed to be away and everyone needed to be buckled.

The trip was close to a whole day, so the boys slowly began to fall asleep. Luke noticed Calum dozing off, and after checking that Michael and Ashton were sleeping, he nudged him. Calum pulled his headphones off and looked at Luke. He hummed, questioning the gesture.

“I’m kinda confused about some things,” Luke started. “No one really talks to me about the personal stuff.”

“What do you wanna know?” Calum asked.

“For one, whatever happened to my girlfriend? Well, ex-girlfriend, since I hadn’t heard from her and no one’s spoken about her since I woke up.”

Calum stifled a laugh. “Right. You had a girl back in 2011.”

“And I don’t anymore,” Luke assumed. Calum shook his head. “Has there been…anyone else?”

Calum didn’t seem fazed by the question. Luke anticipated some awkwardness, but Calum literally waved it off.

“No relationships. You’ve had a few hook ups though.” Luke raised his eyebrows. “Don’t worry,” Calum added, “Mama Liz taught you well. I can’t wait till you remember your awkward sex talk with her.”

Calum laughed at the memory and sunk back into his seat, his eyes shutting.

“One more thing, Cal,” Luke said hastily. Calum peeked an eye open. “The night I got into my accident, did Ashton ask you and Mike to take the first car?”

“Yeah,” he answered without hesitation. “Why?”

“Do you know why he asked?”

Calum thought for a moment, readjusting the beanie on his head. “He probably wanted to talk to you.”

“Do you know what about?” Luke promptly asked, his body turned completely toward Calum. His eyes kept flickering to Ashton, making sure he was still sleeping.

“Not sure. You two got into it earlier that week though.”

“What’s that mean?”

“You got into a huge fight.”

Luke’s brow furrow, seeking the memory, but nothing showed. “You don’t-“ Luke started.

“No idea what it was about, man,” Calum answered. “Sorry.”

Luke sighed. “Thanks. You should sleep.”

Calum nodded, patting Luke’s knee. After about twenty minutes, the plane became still. All he heard was Calum’s soft snores, and the quiet was a lullaby lulling him to sleep. His eyes felt heavy, and he gazed at the clouds before they became fuzzy.

_The sun beat down, making Luke yank off his beanie. He ruffled his messy hair and felt a layer of sweat had dampened his locks. He groaned._

_“It’s 35 degrees. No shit you’re hot,” Ashton laughed, sipping his bottle of water. “Who wears a beanie in the middle of summer?”_

_“Shut it,” Luke hissed, wiping his sweaty hand across his friend’s cheek. Ashton made an animalist sound, almost throwing himself into oncoming traffic._

_“I’m gonna tackle you tonight after the show. You know how sweaty I get,” Ashton vowed, using his forearm to clean the sweat away._

_“Let’s get this gift, so we can eat. We can get Mexican. Or pizza. Or burgers. I’m really in the mood for tacos though,” Luke rambled, his stomach churning at the thought of food. Ashton rolled his eyes but still grinned._

_“Do you think Michael will actually like this vintage video game console? What if it only plays games like that lame tennis game with the ball and two blocks?”_

_“You know he’d still veg out for hours,” Luke said. “I’d probably, too. We do have seven months before his nineteen birthday to get him something new if he ends up disliking it.”_

_Luke pushed his way into_ Finders Keepers _a vintage shop and was hit with a strong scent of grandma. At first glance, the place looked like his grandparents' attic. It was like a puzzle with mismatched pieces. Different picture frames littered the walls. Clothes lined the back of the shop, though nothing fit together. Unique light fixtures hung from the ceiling. There were bird cages, mannequins, and chests in random places. What a peculiar shop._

_Ashton managed to pick the ugliest fur coat off a spiral rack of winter jackets._

_“Do you think mum would like this?” he asked, fitting it against Luke’s build, testing the size._

_“Can I help you?” a young voice suddenly emerged out of nowhere. Ashton threw the coat into the open ring in the middle of the rack._

_A small, dark haired girl in a bright yellow dress stood behind a glass counter filled with jewelry. She leaned her torso across the counter._

_“Hi, I called yesterday about that game console I saw listed on your website,” Ashton said, turning on his adult voice._

_The girl nodded. “Yeah, okay! I’ve got it in the back. Give me a sec.”_

_While they waited, Luke played with an abnormally large birdcage that was probably his same height, weight, and width. Ashton was muttering about how nice the watches were._

_“I really want a new one. I lost my Casio,” he said regrettably._

_“I know what I’m getting you for your birthday,” Luke muttered, searching through a chest next to the birdcage, which was filled with old records._

_“What am I getting you for yours? Three more months till the big one-eight.”_

_“Take me to Nando’s or something,” Luke propositioned. “Buy me some lager and Doritos.”_

_“Christ, we’ll get some food after we get Mikey’s-“_

_Suddenly, the fixtures above their heads clambered, making the lights flicker. Luke gasped, grabbing hold of the rack of coats. The earth under him started to shake._

_“EARTHQUAKE!” the worker yelled. “I need to help my granny upstairs!”_

_A flash of yellow darted across the back of the store then disappeared. Racks were tipping. Things were clattering off the shelves. Ashton held onto the counter so tightly, his knuckles turned white._

_It happened so fast, Luke had a hard time understanding what happened. There was a creaking and a heavy thud, though he didn’t notice it fast enough._

_“LUKE!” Ashton gasped._

_Quickly, Ashton leapt over a fallen mannequin, darted away from a swinging light fixture, and tackled Luke into the rack of coats. Overhead, there was a deafening sound of falling metal then the rack he was buried in collapsed, nearly knocking Ashton out._

_They were lost in a sea of heavy, wooly coats. The shaking didn’t cease._

_Ashton’s chest was pressed to his. His breath was heavy and engulfed the small space. Luke sunk his fingers into Ashton’s hair._

_“That was some Spiderman shit you did there, Ash,” Luke whispered, his vision cloudy with the thought of Ashton getting hurt. "_ _The rack was centimeters away from your head."_

_“That fucking cage almost crushed you,” Ashton retorted._ _His eyes were hard and soft at the same time, shifting back and forth between Luke’s._

_“If something would have happened-“_

_“If you would have gotten hurt-“_

_The ground stopped shaking as Luke’s whole world collapsed._

_Leaning up, Luke caught Ashton’s lips. He meant to be tentative, but really, he didn’t mean anything – because he didn’t plan on kissing his best friend. Ashton hummed a surprise sound against Luke’s lips then sighed. The hand that was already locked in Ashton’s hair tangled deeper into his curls, pulling him closer. Any hesitation faded as Ashton’s hands slide up Luke’s chest, pressed past his collar bones, and framed his face._

_Luke lost himself. Ashton’s lips pressing against his lip ring, warming it, warming his whole body. Ashton playfully biting his lower lip as he shifted, pressing their noses together. Ashton giggling about how he was going to suffocate._

_“Are you guys dead?”_

_Never has Ashton pulled away from Luke so fast. He freed himself of the coats, getting to his feet. Luke wasn’t out of his daze to pull himself up though. His heart hammered in his chest. He wasn’t sure if it’d ever calm down._

Luke woke with a start, his heart hammering as hard as it had in the dream. He couldn't quite catch his breath and the warmth of Ashton's lips on his still lingered.

Shit though. Was it a dream or a memory?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's probably chalk full of mistakes because I didn't proofread, but I was anxious about getting a new chapter out to you guys! xx


	8. Take a Breath

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Previously: Luke finds out that he and Ashton got into a big fight before the accident, but has no idea what it was about. All the flashbacks he's had have just made things a hundred times more confusing! The newest flashback is no exception. He remembers kissing Ashton, and Ashton eagerly accepting being kissed by his friend. But was this memory something Luke fabricated or was it real? However, the only person who would know isn't quite reliable.

**Eight.** Take a Breath

_Close your eyes, you'll be mine, and it's alright. Take a breath, no rest till the sunrise. Heartbeat so sweet, when your lips touch mine._

Luke sat in his room, strumming absentmindedly on his guitar. He was relearning one of the band’s songs, but his mind found its way back into that vintage store. It always found its way back there. For the past few days, that’s all he’s been thinking about; when he fed Molly, when he helped his mother wash dishes, when he played video games with Ben, he thought about kissing Ashton. The topic was such a taboo, and Luke felt guilty whenever his mind wandered there.

He wasn’t even sure if it was real. Wherever this memory was rooted though, others lingered.

He strummed at a slower tempo that the album version and mumbled the lyrics, “ _So, kiss me, kiss me, kiss me, and tell me that I’ll see you again ‘cause I don’t know if I can let you go_.”

“Fuck it,” Luke groaned, reaching across to his pillow where his phone lay.

 **whatd we get mike for his bday?** Luke typed into a blank message. He weighed the pros and cons of sending the message to either Calum or Ashton, and then decided to just shoot the text to both.

Ashton answered first: **nothin yet man. His bday is in like 2 months lol**

Luke’s breath got stuck in his throat, producing the memory, feeling Ashton’s lips on his. It wasn’t real. His mind was already damaged and now it was playing games with him.

 **okay sweet** , Luke sent then followed with, **I was thinking of getting him something and itd suck if I got it already**

Ashton wrote back quickly, **whatcha thinkin?**

Luke started typing some random gift idea, when Calum’s name popped up. He clicked the text.

Calum wrote, **some game console**

Luke read those three words at least ten times before realizing it wasn’t a joke. He drew up Ashton’s message again and hastily typed a reply: **video game console I saw on eBay**

This time, Ashton didn’t reply for a while. Luke’s mind stirred. Had he just woken up? His mind felt heavy with this new development. Ashton lied. He was _lying_. Again.

Ashton’s name popped up on his phone with a text that said, **good idea :)**

“Yeah, it was a fucking brilliant idea months ago when we thought of it together,” Luke spat, tossing his phone to the side.

So this is what he and Ashton fought about. The fire in the pit of his stomach warranted his actions for being mad at Ashton, then and now. If Ashton didn’t want to kiss him, he shouldn’t have responded so eagerly. And now, Ashton was using this whole amnesia situation as an out.

He needed the memory of the fight, but there were only two people that knew what it was about: one couldn’t remember and the other would deny it ever happened. Luke couldn’t image feeling more frustrated than he did right now.

His phone kept going off, but he ignored it and laid back, his head hitting the edge of the bed. His pressed his fingers into his closed eyes so roughly, he saw stars.

He heard Ashton’s voice in his head. Luke couldn’t quite make out what he was saying. He didn’t want to be thinking about Ashton. Blindly, Luke reached for his phone and had a déjà vu moment where he envisioned himself doing the same thing.

_Luke rolled his eyes and took hold of his phone, pulling up the Twitter app._

_“Dude, I didn’t even see you leave the party last night,” Calum laughed, taking a swig of his drink. “She was fucking rough though. Look at your neck.”_

_Ashton giggled. Stupid fucking giggle. Luke peeked up and saw Ashton rub his neck, a blush coloring his face._

_“Did you see this, Luke?” Calum called across the dressing room._

_Luke’s eyes were already on Ashton, so when Calum called attention to him, the two locked eyes. Luke’s face flushed, not out of embarrassment though. He was completely disgusted._

_“Looks like you made out with a vacuum,” Luke mumbled, his eyebrow crooking._

_“I don’t remember her though,” Calum continued enthusiastically. “What’d she look like?”_

_Ashton was only too pleased to answer, “She was really fit: tall, blonde, blue eyed-“_

_“Well, don’t we have a type,” Luke huffed to himself, scrolling aimlessly on the app._

_Ashton must have heard because he faltered, “-um, s-she had a huge rack. She was a fucking screamer though. How didn’t you fellas hear?”_

_“We weren’t fucking listening,” Luke said louder than intended._

_Luke picked his head up. Calum looked bewildered, and Ashton stared vacantly at him._

_“Woah, who peed in your corn flakes this morning?” Calum asked, throwing a pillow at Luke, who easy dodged it._

_“Sorry, I don’t feel like listening to him brag about the fifteenth girl he’s screwed in the past week.”_

_“That’s an exaggeration,” Ashton insisted._

_“Stop being so damn bitter, Lucas,” Calum said. “Maybe if you actually came out with us…”_

_“No, he’s just gonna complain about how tired he is then go to bed,” Ashton retorted, walking toward Luke. The closer he got, the bigger the bubble of anger in his stomach grew. Ashton leaned towards him, his breath in his ear. Goosebumps prickled across his neck. “Just like every other night, right Luke?”_

_It took everything in him to stay neutral. He acted as if Ashton didn’t say anything._

_“You know, going out sounds great,” Luke suddenly said._

_Calum yelped, jumping off the couch and rushing towards the pair. Over his shoulder, Ashton’s eyes were hard._

_“Yeah, man, we’re gonna get you laid!” Calum practically cheered._

Luke’s breathing was shallow, and his hands were balled into fists. For the first time, he saw how _cruel_ Ashton could be. He wasn’t the cookie-cutter good-guy he’s been imaging. Luke finally saw an Ashton worthy of conflict. This must have been what they fought over. It made sense. Ashton discarded their kiss, like it meant nothing.

Luke remembered his conversation with Calum from the plane, where he mentioned random hook-ups, and suddenly Luke felt nauseous. He slept around just to make Ashton mad? He couldn’t see himself doing that. Then again, the anger he felt in that flashback was intense.

His phone vibrated again. Irritated, he took hold of the device, having to restrain himself from throwing it across the room. It was a conversation on the band’s group text between Calum and Michael. If Luke had seen Ashton’s name, the phone would have definitely went flying.

He typed out a message to the boy despite himself and sent it before he could think twice about it.

**you busy??**

The little ellipsis popped up, and Luke stared, willing Ashton to _type faster._ A simple yes or no would do. Not that his answer mattered either way.

**just helpin lauren with her homework. when did this shit get so hard? she was jus addin pictures of pigs a few yrs ago I swear**

Luke pursed his lips. This asshole was so charming.

 **I’m coming over,** Luke replied.

The ellipsis appeared and disappeared enough times to just annoy Luke. He sighed and went to find his mom.

Ten minutes later, after a simple **okay** text, Luke was headed towards the Irwin’s. His mother tried chatting with him, but his responses were short and cold, so she stopped and turned the music in the car up. It was the band’s album, of course.

Suddenly, Luke imagined giggles, but not the giggles that send a rush through him. He turned the music down slightly, really focusing on the laughter.

_Luke clumsily fell into the hotel room. He toppled to the floor, hard. The giggling erupted again, and then he heard his own._

_“I can’t believe this is happening,” said someone he didn’t recognize._

_Some girl with long curly hair, a bright smile, and smoky eyes crawled onto his lap. Luke pushed her hair off her shoulders, kissing along the skin where her shoulder and collarbone met. He glanced over her shoulder and saw the door was wide open. Somehow, he managed to lift the stranger into the air, with a giddy yelp from her, and knocked the door shut with her body._

_“Listen, Luke-“ but he cut her off with his lips. They kissed sloppy for a while, before the girl pushed him away. “Luke-“ He kissed her again._

_In fact, he kissed her every time she spoke._

_He didn’t want her to talk. He wanted to just do this as quickly as possible. Talking took up time._

_He hiked up her shirt, pulling it from its tucked position in her skirt. He was determined to yank it right over her head, but her fucking arms were in the way._

_“LUKE!” she cried, pushing him away._

_“What the hell?” Luke sighed, running a hand through his hair. He backed away from the girl. “I thought you wanted this. You were so excited when I asked you to come over.”_

_“I- Of course- I’m not an idiot, but I don’t think you even know my name,” she said, straightening her shirt out. “This is feeling very straight-forward to me.”_

_“Isn’t that what sex is?” Luke questioned, trying to regain his breath. “Hormones and attraction and all that.”_

_She strolled forward, touching Luke’s face gently. “It doesn’t have to be.”_

_Luke didn’t mean to groan, but he did, and the girl pulled her hand away._

_“Look,” she mumbled. “Like I said, I’m not an idiot, if you want this, I’m cool with it. I just never thought you’d be the type to fuck for no reason.”_

_The last thing Luke needed was a therapy session with some random chick who asked for his autograph. Who was she to judge him? He had his reasons. He could do this. Ashton was probably doing this right now._

_His heart sunk at the thought._

_“I’m sorry,” she said. “I didn’t mean to assume things. It’s totally okay. Everyone does this, and-”_

_“You’re right,” Luke interrupted. “I don’t fuck for no reason.” The girl nodded, tucking her shirt into her skirt. “And your name is Cassandra.” She smiled up at him._

_“Can I ask why you were so determined to sleep with me earlier?” Cassandra questioned timidly._

_“It’s my friends. They think I’m frigid. I was mostly just proving a point,” Luke said honestly, playing with his hands. “I’m sorry for using you.”_

_“Luke, you can tell them we did it because who am I kidding, I’m probably going to be bragging about tonight for ten years.”_

_Luke chuckled, “Here’s to teenage memories.”_

The car slowed to a stop, and Luke glanced out the window to what he assumed was Ashton’s house. He didn’t get out immediately. In fact, he switched the song on the CD to _Kiss Me, Kiss Me_ , and listened, hoping maybe his brain would give him more.

His mother reached toward him, running a hand over his hair. He glanced at her, and she smiled warmly.

“I’m sorry you have to deal with this, baby. I just know that the important stuff will come back,” she promised, and Luke wanted to believe her, but he knew promises like that were empty.

“I wish I could choose. Maybe I’m supposed to forget some things.”

“Oh, Luke, no. Every choice you made helped you become the person you are now. Even the bad stuff.”

But who was he now? He didn’t know. A broken boy, frantically grasping for his past? His mind flickered to someplace else. A living room? But it was moving. Grasping. Grasping…

 _“Let’s write a song about being with someone on a time limit, like you only have a night with them, but like, you make it last,” Luke said, eagerly scribbling lyrics onto a napkin. “_ Let’s make tonight the best of our lives. _”_

_Michael scratched his head. “What’s gotten into you?” he laughed._

_“Good night last night, Hemmings?” Calum joked, nudging Luke’s shoulder as he walked by._

_“Maybe,” Luke practically sang, looking down at the lyrics he’d already written. Calum yelled excitedly._

_“TELL ME EVERYTHING!” he insisted, sitting next to Michael at the dining set on the tour bus._

_“He’s literally writing songs for this girl. She must have been something special,” Michael said, grinning, eying the napkin._

_Suddenly, Ashton’s voice sounded over Luke’s shoulder, “_ Kiss me and tell me that I’ll see you again ‘cause I don’t know if I can let you go. _What’s this?”_

_“A song our Lucas wrote for some girl he had sex with last night!” Calum said bluntly, cheerful._

_The gratitude Luke felt towards Calum could never be repaid. Luke was satisfied and excited for Ashton to get a taste of his own medicine._

_Out of nowhere, Ashton’s palm banged on his back. “Good for you, man!” Ashton exclaimed. “Oh! You could say,_ Kiss me. I’m dying just to see you again.”

_And with that, Ashton walked toward the front of the bus without another word. Before he disappeared into the cabin with the driver, he glanced back. Luke was annoyed, disappointed even, that this didn’t effect Ashton at all. But when Luke caught his eye, even if it was for a nano-second, Luke still saw it._

The memory faded, and he was met with his mother’s sad eyes staring at him. Not very different from Ashton’s.

“Sorry. It was a memory,” Luke explained, rubbing his eyes.

“You looked so hurt,” she noted, touching his cheek.

“I-“ he stopped, thinking of Ashton again. The way he looked at him. Despite how awful Ashton made him feel, despite the things he did to make him jealous, Luke never wanted to see Ashton like he had in that memory. Luke didn’t need a memory to know he didn’t “sleep around” again. Because Ashton looked completely crushed that it happened at all.

Luke was about to ask his mother to take him home, when he saw the Irwin’s front door swing open. Ashton leaned against the frame, waving happily at Luke. He hadn’t really spoken to Ashton since their conversation in the bathroom a few days ago, and Luke had to remind himself that he wasn’t mad at _this_ Ashton.

“Go on, Luke. Ash will help,” his mother said, not knowing that Ashton would probably do the opposite of help.

As soon as he was out of the car, he heard Ashton babbling about something that Harry did, giggling his stupid giggle, making Luke’s inside shift uneasily. This boy just needed to be present to have an effect on him. Luke made his way towards Ashton and cut him off.

“You said that if I was confused, I could come to you,” he started.

Ashton’s grin fell a fraction of an inch but then was plastered onto his features again. “Yeah.”

“I’m very, very confused.”

Ashton shifted his weight between his legs, crossing his arms. He searched Luke’s face.

“What about?” he asked.

“You.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope I'm not making this super corny. I'm trying to warp the songs so that they have background and a reason why they were written. 
> 
> I'll probably update again this weekend =)


	9. This Game

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Previously: Luke finally decides he's going to confront Ashton, but as he goes to him, he's having flashback after flashback. By the time he gets to his friend's house, Luke's found out that Ashton's denied their kiss ever happened and is sleeping around to get back at Luke. When Luke tries to do the same, Ashton is so hurt by it. Luke has no idea where they stand.

**Nine.** This Game  
 _It's taking me over. I don't wanna play this game no more. All you gotta do is tell me right now, you want me right now, come on._

 

Luke sipped on the water Ashton brought him, waiting in his bedroom for him to get out of the bathroom or kitchen or wherever he was wasting time. Luke kept drafting how he wanted to ask Ashton about that kiss. He didn’t think, “Why did you kiss me then fuck twenty girls?” would be a good conversation starter. Neither was, “My amnesia is wearing off, and I forgot what a dumbass you were.”

The door creaked open. No one was coming in, and right as Luke decided it was a ghost, a small head poked around the wood. Did Ashton have a kid?

“Hey, Luke,” the boy started, grinning the same smile as Ashton. “Ash told me you might not remember me.” Wow, the kid didn’t beat around the bush.

“Did you tell him he was wrong?” Luke asked, rapidly raking his brain for a name.

“Am I?” Ashton’s voice echoed from the hallway. A second later, Ashton knocked the door open, sidestepping the boy, a snack box tucked between his arm and side. “Who is this child and what relation does he have to me?”

“Charlie and he’s your son,” Luke said without hesitation, stealing some of Ashton’s snack.

“Correct,” Ashton replied, smiling.

“Hey, I’m not called Charlie!”

“We’re joking,” Luke chuckled, waving the boy off. “I know who you are,” Luke hesitated for only a moment, “Harry.”

The smile that erupted on Harry’s face was as enthusiastic as any of Ashton’s smiles. His brother made the environment very nonthreatening, and Luke had half the mind to ask the kid to stay. Despite himself, Luke glanced at Ashton, frowning slightly.

“Harry, go help mum with dinner,” Ashton instructed. Harry was about to disagree, but Ashton threw him a stern look, and his brother slipped out of the room. Ashton fiddled with the box in his hands, filling the room with the rhythm of jiggling crackers. “So…”

“So,” Luke mirrored, still unsure of how to start this conversation.

“Luke, I’m sure whatever you’re remembering must be incredibly confusing because we’re practically strangers,” Ashton started, turning to face Luke, “but we’ve been mates for years, and-“

“Wait,” Luke interjected, holding up his hand to halt Ashton. He was momentarily blinded by different colors, hundreds it seemed, dancing in his memory.

“Another memory?” Ashton questioned, shifting his head to look into Luke’s eyes at different angles.

“Yeah, there’s lots of yelling,” Luke mumbled, staring at his hands, scared to blink and wash away the images.

_“I’ve already lost count of how many you’re at, mate,” Calum laughed, passing Luke another beer._

_“I’m at two,” Luke claimed, a smile on his face. “You’re at six, and at six, you forget how to spell your name.”_

_“No! It’s C. A. L. L.” Calum took another swig. “L. That’s too many. C. A-”_

_“Maybe you should switch to water.”_

_“LUKEY IS LEGAL, LADIES!” Michael’s slurred voice boomed from behind the pair. “18, mate. How does it feel?”_

_“Like 17, but louder,” Luke affirmed, gulping down a good portion of his drink._

_“You’re not drunk, are you?” Michael cried, looking hectic. “You need to be drunk, Lukey! You’re the birthday boy.”_

_“I feel like I need to babysit you lads though,” Luke declared, eying Calum who was trying his hardest to get the attention of a group of girls who just stared wide-eyed at him._

_“We will be fine! We will make it home. Maybe it’ll be half-naked, covered in mud, like that one time, but we will get there.”_

_“I remember that,” Luke laughed, walking towards Calum to save him from all the second-hand embarrassment he’d feel in the morning, when he caught sight of Ashton._

_Some girl was twisting her hands into his shirt, pulling him closer to her body. They were dancing so close that Luke decided there was no way that was comfortable. Over the girl’s shoulder, Ashton caught Luke’s eye. Luke, transfixed by the show Ashton was putting on, couldn’t look away. His bandmate smirked, sliding his hands down the girl’s back._

_Not again. Not another fucking girl. Not another nobody to add to his list of girls he used to hurt Luke._

_Ashton’s lips were bumping into his dance partner’s just as Luke got to them. Tightly gripping Ashton’s arm, Luke wrenched Ashton off of the girl with an_ Oomph! _He dragged Ashton off the dance floor, his protests drowned out by the music. There was a glowing red sign that Luke pushed toward, and eventually, he kicked the exit door open._

_The night shined red under the alley’s light as Luke practically tossed Ashton away from him. Regaining his footing, Ashton straightened, fixing his shirt._

_“What the fuck, Ashton?” Luke bellowed, stretching out each word and practically spitting out Ashton’s name, like it was sinful._

_“What? I was just having some fun,” Ashton said easily, shrugging._

_“Just adding another fucking notch to your bedpost,” Luke growled, his nails biting into his palm. “You couldn’t hold out for one night? It’s my_ birthday, _Ashton. Stop making everything about you.”_

_“Happy birthday,” Ashton said coldly, pushing past Luke toward the door._

_Luke leapt in front of him Ashton, blocking him, placing his hands on the drummer’s chest. Ashton quickly glanced down to where they touched. Luke noted the way Ashton’s breathing deepened._

_Ashton glared into Luke’s eyes, and Luke knew they shared the same expression._

_“All I hear anymore is how many girls you’re screwed, so go ahead and fuck ten more tonight,” Luke said slowly, venom in his words. Ashton’s anger subsided momentarily to something that looked a lot like confusion, “because you’re never going to erase what happened.”_

_Ashton’s eyes dropped as Luke stepped forward. His hands slid down Ashton’s torso until his fingers slid away all together. Luke forced Ashton’s head up, forced him to look into his eyes._

_“Even if you kiss a thousand girls, you still kissed me,” Luke boasted._

_Ashton’s face flickered between many different emotions: first anger, then shock, confusion, and lastly fear._

_Ashton moved to escape, but Luke held him in place. “I may have wrote_ Kiss Me, Kiss Me _about that girl back in June, but who was_ Waiting For Earthquakes _about, Ash?” Luke meant for his words to be angry, taunting even, but they came out as a plead. Deep down, he was so tired of this game they were playing._

_Without another word, Ashton fled into the club. Luke sat in the alley for a while, never really getting ahold of his breathing. It was so sad that he didn’t want Ashton’s affections as much as his acceptance. This was the hardest thing he’s had to come to terms with. He couldn’t even say the word in his head, let alone out loud._

_He thought he’d been in love before, but now he knew it wasn’t love unless it completely destroyed you._

_He pulled himself up and headed to the street. The taxi ride was a lot of thinking about Ashton, as was the walk through the hotel, the elevator ride to his floor, and the trip to his room. When he pushed the door open, he saw all the lights on._

_“Calum?” Luke called, wondering how his roommate made it back. Someone walked out of the bathroom, but it wasn’t Calum. “Ashton,” Luke breathed. He was the last person and only person Luke wanted to see._

_“Why did it happen, Luke?” Ashton whispered, ripping the bandana off his head, tossing around his curly hair. “I was perfectly content with the state of denial I was in.”_

_“Denial? Denial of what?”_

_Ashton twisted the bandana till it looked like a ball of fabric. “It doesn’t matter because you kissed me and-“_

_“I didn’t kiss you, Ashton!” Luke insisted. “And even if I did, you weren’t pushing me away.”_

_“I should have,” Ashton mumbled, staring at anything that wasn’t Luke._

_“Shit, Ash, you don’t think this is fucking confusing for me too?” Luke groaned, pressing his hands across his face. “I wish I could choose anyone else to have feelings for, really.”_

_Ashton gulped back air, his mouth dropping open. His hands quickly forgot about the bandana as his arms fell limply to his sides._

_“Me too,” Ashton muttered, looking defeated._

_“You didn’t need to sleep with all those girls to get back at me, you know,” Luke said hushed, approaching Ashton slowly._

_“I only slept with a few of them,” Ashton admitted sheepishly. “I needed to see if it was just a phase or something. I’m not gay. I was never gay.”_

_“At least you can say it,” Luke mumbled, mostly to himself._

_“But, I don’t know what it is about you,” Ashton said, finally looking at Luke. “I just…want you around. I always want you around.”_

_“I can do that,” Luke said, biting his lip. “Neither of us knows what this is. So why not figure it out?”_

_Luke reaching across the invisible barrier that separated them and touched Ashton’s cheek. Just touching Ashton made his heart throb._

_“This is really dangerous, Luke,” Ashton sighed, touching just the hem of Luke’s shirt, very intent of just that piece of material._

_“Danger’s my mid-“_

_“Don’t fucking finish that sentence; you’re such a loser,” Ashton chuckled, pulling Luke towards him. “Should we take bets on when Cal and Mikey start getting suspicious?”_

_Luke groaned. “They were so pissed when I left. There’s no way they’re making it home, unless it’s in a police car.”_

_“That just screams ‘headline.’ **One Half of 5SOS Gay, the Other Half Imprisoned.** ”_

_Luke laughed, pulling Ashton towards the door, but Ashton pressed his palm against it. “Wait.”_

_Luke glanced back. Ashton’s hand fitted over his cheek. He could see the little freckles on Ashton’s nose, that’s how close they were. Luke tilted his head down, pressing his lips to Ashton’s. It was gentle, and he felt Ashton’s thumb stroke his face. Slowly, Ashton’s tipped his lips away, pressing their foreheads together._

_“_ _See? Very, very dangerous,” Ashton breathed._

Luke’s eyes fluttered open. He didn’t realize he’d let them close. Ashton stared at him, really studying his face. Luke panicked at the thought of Ashton being able to see into his head, but then realized that memory was nothing new to Ash. He glanced at Ashton’s lips, thinking of all the times they must have kissed since that particular moment, thinking how much he wanted to just close the space between them and kiss him now.

As if guessing Luke’s intentions, Ashton stood up. “Let’s go do something.”

Surprised, Luke rose as well. “Like what?”

“Whatever,” Ashton whispered, starting to walk out of the room. Apprehensively, Luke followed.


	10. Rip My Heart Out.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Previously: Luke has a flashback of his 18th birthday, where he confronts Ashton for denying their kiss by hooking up with a bunch of different girls then flaunting it. Ashton comes clean about his feelings for Luke in the flashback, and they decide to give their relationship a shot. Present day Luke is determined to talk to Ashton about this.

**Ten.** Rip My Heart Out   
_Go ahead, rip my heart out. That’s what love’s all about. I want you to want me this way, and I need you to need me to stay. If you say that you don’t feel a thing, if you don’t know, let me go._

 

Ashton drove very fast. He sped through yellow lights, zoomed in and out of lanes, and kept his speed at a constant fifteen over the speed limit. Luke almost joked, saying, _I don’t want to lose my memory again in another accident_ , but it was too soon to joke about his amnesia. They’d been on the road for about twenty minutes though, and he was getting antsy.

“We’re almost there,” Ashton said, over the soft music.

Maybe he saw Luke fiddling with his hands? Maybe he could sense his anxiety? Maybe Ashton just knew Luke. They were…something. Dating. Boyfriends. Whatever. They were something.

It frustrated Luke though. He didn’t know how he was supposed to feel about this. He kept suppressing the excitement that _he’s dating Ashton_ with the reality that this may not even be true. Luke couldn’t find the root to Ashton’s distance towards him, and it hurt. If Ashton was that important to him, why did he abandon him when Luke needed him?

“So, your memories are coming back then?” Ashton asked suddenly, making Luke jump.

“Yeah, but it’s a lot of the same stuff: concerts, recording, meeting fans, messing around in dressing rooms,” Luke explained. He noticed Ashton’s hands gripped the steering wheel tighter for a moment. “Stuff like that.”

“I have heaps of memories like that,” Ashton said, turning onto some side street. “There was a time when Calum drank too much cough medicine or something, and he met the fans high as a kite. He kept asking them when the plane was taking off.”

Luke smiled, actually having recollection of that. “I just had a memory about you hittingnsome animal a while back.”

Ashton glanced at Luke with a bewildered expression and a furrowed brow. “Um…”

“It was a cat!” Luke suddenly gasped. “You ran it over, and Michael was screaming at you.” The memory surfaced easily, like bubbles in a fizzy drink.

“Right! He made me turn around,” Ashton recounted, biting back a smile. “It was pouring rain.”

“And like one-thirty in the morning.”

“We got in so much shit the next day from our mums,” Ashton laughed, his eyes crinkling.

“But do you remember Mikey’s pitiful explanation?” Luke asked, ignoring the view of the road completely just to watch the way Ashton’s face reacted to the story.

Ashton snorted, mimicking their friend, “L-Liz, we had t-to bury the little guy. It changes you, seeing the life leave a creature.”

“Fur and all,” Luke groaned dramatically, mirroring Ashton’s impression of Michael. Ashton laughed loudly, the noise making his torso shake.

“Mama Liz wouldn’t let you out of the house for a week,” Ashton added, slowing the car down. “We snuck you out though.”

“I remember that,” Luke said, remembering faint images of thumps on his window in the moonlight.

Ashton smiled, a smile Luke wasn’t sure he was meant to see because when Ashton glanced toward him, he quickly took on a neutral expression.

“You’re really coming back, huh?” Ashton questioned, his voice no louder than the music. Luke just hummed in reply.

Ashton pulled up to an abandoned building at the end of the long stretch of road they’d just spend a few minutes on. Most people would have bypassed it. But apparently, this was their destination. Ashton parked the car, and jumped out, stretching his limbs as Luke warily exited too. What once must have been a home, now stood cracked and blended into the shrubbery.

“Be careful of the roots,” Ashton called over his shoulder, walking towards the building. Luke followed along the unclear path.

“What is this place?” Luke questioned, glancing around nervously. Were they allowed to be here? It didn’t have a No Trespassing sign, though it really didn’t need one, since it screamed NO TRESPASSING already.

Ashton rushed up the steps, studying the entrance. Soon Luke joined him, watching where he walked. If he plummeted through the wood and fell into some black pit, he wouldn’t be surprised. The door was boarded closed, cobwebs filling the holes in the wood.

“Guess we can’t-“ Luke started, but Ashton gripped one of the planks, jimmying it until he pulled it off. He chucked it to the ground then repeated this process until there was a small opening. “There’s no way I’m going in there, Ashton.”

“Come on, man,” Ashton said, turning to Luke. He gave him a small smile. “Do you trust me?”

Luke considered him: the way his eyes fought against the little crinkles that always happened when he smiled, the way he sucked on his bottom lip, anticipant, the way he crossed his arms as a way of something to do. Luke’s stomach sunk because yes, he trusted him. From the moment he woke up from that coma, he’s trusted Ashton. Just like the way this building screamed No Trespassing, Ashton demeanor screamed Trustworthy. But Luke shouldn’t, right?

“Yeah,” Luke breathed, forcing himself to look away.

No, he shouldn’t, yet he did.

Ashton gestured for Luke to follow. He squeezed his way into the gap and Luke did the same. Inside, the sunlight flowed patchily across the front room. The ceiling had collapsed, but someone gathered the wreckage into piles in the corners. The walls were covered in graffiti, which surprised Luke. Others knew about this place? He gazed on the sloppy images and words. Suddenly his breathe caught.

Across the wall, tucked into the college of graffiti was his band’s tally logo.

“Wait-“ Luke started, his eyes wandering around the room once more. “What is this place?”

Ashton, who was sitting on his legs on the floor stacking old beer cans into a pyramid, just smiled to himself.

“Ash, why’d you bring me here?” Luke inquired, standing in front of the drummer.

The tower of cans fell and filled the silence with its crash. Ashton spoke, “There’s a water hole my mum used to take me to when I was younger down the road a bit. I always saw this place when we’d pass, and after the neighbors called the cops one too many times on our band rehearsals, we needed a place to practice. We’d play for hours at a time then go down the road to swim - every weekend for months.”

“I wish I could remember that,” Luke admitted, sitting beside Ashton, helping him restack the cans.

“We were here when we got our first call from our first manager,” Ashton said, really focused on the tower. “We’d come here to just get away, like when Calum told his parents he wanted to give up football, or when Mikey finally dropped out of school. We’d just jam and forget all the bad stuff. There was a lot of bad stuff before there was good stuff.”

“And now we’re back to bad stuff,” Luke said offhandedly.

Ashton glanced up, surprised. “No, Luke-“

“I mean, this isn’t the best situation I’ve been in,” he said, trying to laugh, but it sounded forced. “I just want everything to be normal, but I don’t know what normal is.”

“Normal is playing kick-ass shows, writing sick music, meeting thousands of hysterical fans, banding, chilling, and doing all of this on a few hours of sleep,” Ashton explained, stretching his legs out. He leaned back on his elbows and gazed up at the patchy ceiling.

“I want all that,” Luke mumbled, “and I’m trying to be patient, but it’s hard. Everything I want is…right…there,” he gestured at nothing, but it seemed extravagant, “and I can’t have it.”

Ashton pulled his head down, making eye-contact with Luke. For the first time, Ashton let himself really look at Luke. He grinned softly, his eyes flickering across his face. Ashton’s hazel eyes always found their way back to Luke’s. Luke’s heart fluttered. The wall that was up between them shattered and Luke welcomed it.

Feeling a surge of courage, Luke breathed, “What’s _Waiting for Earthquakes_ , Ash?” His voice was wistful.

Ashton’s expression didn’t change. He still stared attentively. After a second to think, Ashton recited the lyrics, “The – um – chorus is ‘Everytime I’m with you, my world gets ripped apart. I’m blind-sighted by the thunder - lightning to the heart. The earth is crumblin’ below us; I feel the ground shake. You’re like a natural disaster, and I’m waiting for earthquakes.’ It’s about wanting to love someone, even if it’s a terrible idea, even if it can destroy you.”

Luke breathed deeply, feeling like he’d suffocated otherwise. He knew that Ashton knew. The memories seemed even more vibrant as his brain flickered between them: their kisses, their touches, the way Ashton looked at him. The way he was looking now.

“This is me now, Ash,” Luke practically whispered, shifting towards him until their knees were grazing each other. Confusion flashed across Ashton’s face, so Luke continued, “I can’t promise you I’ll get back to my old self, so If you’re waiting until I remember everything, you shouldn’t. I’m this broken lad.”

Ashton gazed at him for another moment then stared at his lap. He nervously started biting his thumb nail. “I don’t know what you mean.”

Luke knelt up, suddenly towering over Ashton. “I think you do,” he muttered, tucking his fingers gently under Ashton’s chin. Apprehensively, like he was fighting some battle, Ashton locked eyes with Luke.

“Luke, everything you’ve been remembering-“

“What? It’s not real? This feels pretty damn real, Ash,” Luke said, cupping Ashton’s cheek. He felt a tickle on his fingertips from Ashton’s curly hair.

Ashton’s eyes searched Luke’s, maybe trying to find some reason to deny this more, the keep lying, to stop himself. But as soon as his eyes flashed to Luke’s lips, Luke leaned into Ashton, kissing him.

His memories lied.

Kissing Ashton was everything. His lips and his hands _knew_ this boy, and maybe his memories didn’t come sweeping back, but he’d been a fool to think he’d ever be able to forget him.

Hesitantly, Ashton kissed back, and it wasn’t enough. Luke wrapped his arms around Ashton’s shoulders, massaging his fingers through his hair, wanting more of a reaction. Oh, and did he get it.

“Luke, stop,” Ashton gasped, against his lips, pushing Luke slightly.

“Ashton, no, stop pretending,” Luke said between kisses, as he trailed his lips across Ashton’s jaw.

“Luke,” Ashton muttered then more sternly said, “Luke!”

Luke pulled away, eyes searching for the reason why Ashton stopped. He pulled away completely as he caught Ashton clenching his eyes shut. Luke retreated, curling in on himself.

“Luke, I-“

“Ashton, I don’t get it. We were together, right? All these flashback about kissing and flirting… I don’t understand.”

Ashton sighed, rubbing a hand over his face. He didn’t dare look at Luke. “I didn’t want this to happen, Luke.”

Slowly as Ashton pushed him away, he felt like falling, like he was coming apart. But hearing Ashton say this completely shattered him.

“W-what?”

“I’m just going to be honest,” Ashton started, scratching his head. “I was really hoping you would forget about us.” He looked like he was in pain, his face scrunched up. “You’re right. We were hooking up.”

Luke’s stomach churned. Was that all it was? Luke was just Ashton’s casual hook up? It didn’t fucking feel that way.

“Honestly, I was just lonely, and you were there.”

Luke pushed himself up, like Ashton was on fire and he needed to get as far away as possible. Ashton followed.

“How can you say that?” Luke spat, backing up as Ashton got close.

“I didn’t want to have this conversation with you. But if this happens again, it’s just going to be like the last time, Luke,” Ashton said. “What you and I had was raw and fun, but I couldn’t give you anything more than that.”

It was like a joke. Luke realized that maybe this amnesia was a gift. For the first time since waking up, Luke wished he could forget. This Ashton explaining why he was tearing Luke’s heart apart wasn’t the Ashton from his memories.

“It’s been hard watching you fall in love with me again, Luke. Hard and really sad,” Ashton whispered remorsefully.

His words were like a slap in the face, but everything made sense: why he kept his distance in the beginning, why he kept lying, why he wouldn’t let Luke kiss him. Ashton was helping him from digging himself deeper into a grave that Ashton laid out in the first place.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Waiting for Earthquakes" is an unreleased song from 5SOS. I found the song title and molded that first kiss chapter after the title. The lyrics in this chapter were written by me. I'm never heard that song =( Just an FYI!!


	11. Not Fine At All

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Previously: Ashton finally tells Luke that they were "hooking up," but Ashton broke things off because Luke wanted more than just that and Ash couldn't give it to him.

**Eleven.** Not Fine At All  
 _Sometimes I start to wonder was it just a lie? If what we had was real, how can you be fine? Cause I’m not fine at all._

When Luke refused to leave his room for three days straight, everyone thought the same thing: relapse. Somewhere in the back of his mind, Luke wished that too. Maybe that way, he’d stop having flashback after flashback of Ashton. He locked himself in his room, mostly to torture himself with these images. Once he started regaining his memories, he kept willing more up.

They were all of Ashton.

His mother knocked on the door. Luke wasn’t surprised. It was the fourth time she’d done it since he woke up a few hours ago.

“Lukey?” she whispered, and Luke cringed at the nickname, tugging his covers closer to his face.

“I’m fine, mum,” he muttered when the door creaked open.  He’d never admit how upset he was over what Ashton said, and he’d never admit that the only person who could make this better was avoiding him again.

“You haven’t eaten yet today. You usually have three breakfasts by now,” she said, approaching slowly.

“I’m not hungry,” he breathed, seeing the remnants of his latest memory flash into his mind.

“Whatever you’re feeling, Luke, it’ll pass,” Liz said, brushing some of Luke’s hair off his forehead. He winced at the contact.

But when Ashton’s hazel eyes flickered into his memory, Luke wasn’t so sure.

When his mother left, after Luke’s lingering silence, Luke let himself fall back into the memory that kept replaying. He felt so happy when he thought about it. He wanted to live in his brain forever.

_Calum and Michael were racing across a line of seats in the front couple rows of the huge arena they were in. Luke lost count of how many times Michael almost slipped and of how many times Calum was almost shoved into the aisle._

_Someone sat next to him, making sure to rub their arms together. Luke grinned, not looking at Ashton. He knew it was Ash. He smelled like peppermint and caramel today. They watched their bandmates make idiots of themselves quite contently. The silence between them was comfortable._

_“We have an interview downtown in half an hour,” Ashton noted out of nowhere, as if Luke didn’t already know._

_“What? You’re nervous I’m gonna spill my undying affection towards you?” Luke mumbled back, nervous someone would hear, but feeling playing nonetheless._

_“No,” Ashton said, and Luke could_ hear _his smile. “I’m just saying, there’s a lot better things we could be doing instead of watching these two try to give each other a concussion.”_

_For the first time, Luke glanced at Ashton. He had a mischievous smile on his lips, and it took everything in Luke to not attack his mouth right there. Eagerly, Luke jumped to his feet, knowing Ashton was following close behind._

_Once they were backstage, Ashton looped his arms around Luke’s waist, tugging his back towards Ashton’s chest. Ashton’s breath tickled Luke’s ear as they both laughed. Ash pressed a kiss to the curve of Luke’s neck._

_“Not here,” Luke whined, drawing himself away. He wanted to shoot Ash a disapproving look, but when he turned, Ashton stood like a child – hands folded awkwardly, his lip jutting out – and Luke cackled, shaking his head._

_Ashton kept trying to hold Luke’s hand on the way to their dressing room, but Luke yanked it away every time, lightly smacking Ashton’s arm. Once inside, Luke locked the door then pressed Ashton against it. He smiled down at the boy before pressing their lips together._

_Heat rushed through Luke. He loved how Ashton made him feel. Just his touch – like the way Ashton’s hands fitted across the expanse of his back, literally holding onto him with everything he had – made his bones ignite. They weren’t close enough. They were never close enough. Luke fingers tangled in Ashton’s hair as he sighed into his mouth, pressing his chest against Ashton’s, feeling the thumping of his heart._

_Suddenly, as Ashton’s hands started playing with the hem of Luke’s t-shirt, the doorknob rattled. The boys separated so quickly, it wouldn’t be surprising if Luke had jumped across the room._

_“The fuck is the door locked for?” they heard Calum say. “Mikey, do you have a key?”_

_“Management doesn’t trust us enough,” they heard Michael reply. “We can go find someone.”_

_“Where are Luke and Ash?” Calum asked, his voice becoming distant. They must be leaving. Michael’s retort was too far away to hear._

_Luke’s heart was racing. He sighed. “That was close.”_

_Like static cling, Ashton was at Luke’s side instantly. He kissed Luke’s jaw, sending shivers down Luke’s spine._

_“Where were we?” Ashton said, his voice husky._

_Luke made a noise, stepping away from Ashton. “Not somewhere we’ll be going for a while. That was scary as shit.”_

_Ashton made a goofy, disappointed face. Luke pushed Ashton’s face away, smiling at Ashton’s giggle._

The side of Luke’s bed was vibrating. He thought he shut his phone off. Clearly, he hadn’t. He scooped up the device.

He’d missed a few calls and didn’t answer a bunch of texts since locking himself away. The latest one caught his eye however.

 **we booked some studio time tomorrow** , Calum sent.

 **I’m not in the writing mood** , Luke wrote back, his eyes burning from the phone’s light.

 **HE’S ALIVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!** Calum texted then quickly sent another, **dude we’ve gotta get you outa this funk writing will be good for you**.

 **K** , Luke sent, wanting this conversation to end. Immediately, he turned off his phone.

Luke wanted to switch off these feelings that numbed him. He felt used but unwanted. He couldn’t imagine how he got through this the first time Ashton broke things off.

Unless… he never broke things off. What if he used Luke’s amnesia as his excuse to end things? It’d be easy. Ashton wouldn’t have to be the bad guy because Luke didn’t remember their relationship. But of course, Luke did end up remembering.

Then again, there was that fight; what were they fighting over if it wasn’t this? Luke groaned in frustration, burying his face in the pillow. This made no sense.

Either way, Luke didn’t want the memory of Ashton breaking his heart, not when he already had one to devour him.

 _“Asteroid to Penguin Boy,”_ his mind teased, hearing Ashton’s voice clearly. _“Do you copy?”_

Luke clenched his jaw, remembering this particular memory: the walkie-talkies, Ashton’s scavenger hunt through some hotel. He didn’t want to relive this. He remembered how elated he felt the first time he remembered this moment. Luke remembered the exact emotions because they began to fill him again: excitement, amusement, appreciation.

No. It wasn’t quite appreciation. But he couldn’t put his thumb on it.

_“Penguin Boy?”_

Fondness, maybe?

_“PENGUIN BOY?!”_

No. Something clicked, making all the pieces fall together.

_“LUKE!”_

_Luke chuckled, finally clicking the walkie-talkie. “Ashton, I’m trying to get this stupid clue off this floating lounge. IT’S IN THE MIDDLE OF THE POOL!”_

_Luke placed the walkie-talkie on the tile beside him, gathering the rope he’d just thrown into the water. The lifesaver attached floated inches from the chair._

_“You could swim to it,” Ashton teased. Luke pictured the bastard winking at him. “Over.”_

_Luke almost kicked the walkie-talkie into the water. He tried one last time. The lifesaver zoomed through the air. The force of the throw made the ring crash into the chair, knocking the small piece of paper into the water. Luke groaned._

_“It fell in,” Luke said simply. “Just tell me the clue.”_

_Ashton’s laugher erupted over the device. “Go to the laundry room,” he finally managed to wheeze out._

_“Ashton, can’t you just tell me where you’re hiding? This isn’t romantic. It’s giving me a brain aneurism.”_

_Luke trudged toward the laundry room._

_“This one is easy,” Ashton assured. “Dryer number three. Take out my clothes.”_

_“You little-“_

_“I’ll get them later. In the back pocket of my favorite pair of jeans is the next clue.”_

_“What was the pool clue? ‘I’m only here once a week. The smell of detergent is what you seek.’”_

_Luke found the correct dryer and yanked the door open. He started pulling Ashton’s clothes onto the floor._

_“That’s smarter than mine, shit,” Ashton’s voice crackled into the laundry room._

_He located the black jeans with the holey knees. The bottoms were tattered more than the rest from how often Ash wore them. Luke dug through the pockets, eventually finding a chunk of damp paper._

_“Why did you put the clue through the wash?” Luke said disbelievingly into the device. “It got ruined.”_

_The walkie-talkie buzzed, “Fuck!”_

_“Just tell me where you are.”_

_“There’s like six more clues!” Ashton exclaimed, the proper walkie-talkie etiquette long since forgotten._

_“Ash,” Luke whined, shutting the dryer with his hip._

_“Okay. Okay. I’m on the roof.”_

_“How the fuck did you get on the roof?” Luke laughed._

_“Take the elevator to the seventeenth floor. Walk to the end of the hall on the north wing. There’s a fire escape. It leads to a set of stairs and then right up to the roof,” Ashton explained._

_“I’m scared to see the note that describes that. ‘Roses are red. Violets are blue. I’m on the roof, and you should be, too.’”_

_Luke and Ashton picked on each other back and forth over their walkie-talkies, until Luke was opening the door to the roof._

_Sitting in the center on a few blankets was Ashton. His phone sat next to him, softly playing music. There was a bag of food in the empty space in front of him. He shyly smiled at Luke. His hands fiddled with each other._

_Luke crossed the expanse of the roof. He settled down by Ashton. “When did you have time to do all this?” he asked, taking Ashton’s hand easily, lacing their fingers together._

_“Early,” Ashton grinned. “I texted you, and you weren’t answering, so I knew you were still sleeping. I did the laundry room last. We were already talking at that point.”_

_“You’re so sneaky,” Luke said affectionately. “But what’s all of this for? My birthday was a couple weeks ago.”_

_Ashton looked at Luke in a way that made his heart crumple and race. As much as he hated admitting it, Ashton still scared him. What he felt and how strongly he felt it._

_“I wanted to escape with you for a little,” Ashton said genuinely. “As much as I like the adventure of it all, I’d like the comfort of knowing that someone won’t interrupt. People are always there, Luke. Someone to recognize us. Management to shuffle us along. Calum with his new riffs. Michael asking some dumb ass question. I just wanted you.”_

_Luke bit his lip, realizing how quickly his heart was pumping. He almost placed his hand over it to make sure it hadn’t short-circuited._

_He rushed towards Ashton, gently tugging him by the back of the neck. Without another word, Luke kissed him. Immediately Ashton’s hands roamed his back, trying to touch as much of Luke as he could. Luke mirrored Ashton, pressing his hands down the boy’s torso. Ashton nipped at Luke’s bottom lip, tracing a line across it quickly with his tongue. Luke’s head spun, pulling Ashton back with him as he lied down._

_Their legs tangled, bodies pressed together. Luke pulled away for a moment, giving Ashton access to his neck. He peppered kisses across the sensitive skin, making Luke’s breathing come out in gasps. Luke found himself tugging at the sides of Ashton’s shirt. He wasn’t thinking about anything else except_ more, more, more.

_Ashton reached back, pulling his shirt up over his head. He gazed down at Luke, his eyes dreamy. Quickly, Ashton kissed Luke, knocking the air out of him. Ashton’s hand snaked up Luke’s shirt, feeling its way across his stomach. Soon, Luke’s shirt was off as well, and Luke never felt such a rush from skin to skin contact._

_“I want you, Ashton” he whispered against Ashton’s lips._

_Surprised, Ashton pulled away. Luke’s lips chased after him. Ashton nipped at his lips but cupped Luke’s cheek to hold him steady._

_“Are you sure?” Ashton breathed. “That’s a big deal. We can wait until you’re ready.”_

_Luke stared up at him. Ash's hazel eyes looked worried. Luke didn’t fight against the urge to kiss Ashton, to reassure him. When he pulled back, he gently rubbed his nose against Ashton’s, keeping a close distance between their lips._

_When Luke spoke, it was a whisper. “The last time we were home, I had you guys over to swim in my pool. The sun was setting. Calum and Mikey were inside helping my mum make drinks. Our feet were dangling in the water, and you kept nudging my ankle. After the fifteen or so time you did it with no reaction, you asked if something was the matter. You knew I always laughed around you, but I was quiet. Do you remember that?”_

_Ashton nodded, tucking his head into the crook of Luke’s neck, just listening._

_Luke continued, “I said it was nothing, laughing it off. I kicked you back, and the issue dissolved. Then my mum brought us drinks and Calum cannonballed into the water. You probably forgot about that moment, yeah?  I wasn’t ignoring you when you were kicking me, Ashton. I was trying to ignore how every time you touched me, my heart fluttered.” Luke wrapped one of Ashton’s curls around his index finger, twisting it softly. “I’ve always wanted you, Ash.”_

_Ashton picked his head up. He looked at Luke like it was the first time he’s ever really seen him._

_“So, I guess the real question is,” Luke started, “is this what_ you _want?”_

_He studied Luke’s eyes, like the answer was written on a cheat sheet somewhere inside them._

_“I’ll always want you, Luke.”_

_With a jump of his heart, Luke kissed Ashton._

It was love.

He loved Ashton.

He _loves_ Ashton. How fair was it that he has to watch his old-self fall in love with the boy his current-self could never have?

He pulled the covers over his head and pretended he wasn’t crying.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Do you guys have any guesses on what's going to happen? Something huge is coming. =) I tried to do lots of foreshadowing throughout the story! xx


	12. Erase From Your Memory

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Previously: Luke's in love with Ashton, but Ashton isn't in love with Luke.

**Twelve.** Erase From Your Memory

_Wake me up now, and tell me this is all a bad dream. All the songs that I wrote. All the wrongs that I hoped would erase from your memory._

 

Luke had all intentions of sleeping until 3 PM. His sleep pattern was warped after that one all-nighter, two days ago, where he did nothing but eat peanut butter straight from the jar and watch weird infomercials for six hours straight. He tried to block the flashbacks of cuddling with a sleepy Ashton in the dim television light. He tried really hard.

Consciousness erupted around Luke, pulling him from his slumber. Literally. Someone was literally tugging him up.

“You smell like a barn,” a familiar voice groaned.

Squinting, Luke saw a blurry Michael grab at his legs, dragging him a few feet forward. Luke didn’t even resist. He was too exhausted, even though he’d just slept on and off for fourteen hours.

“When’s the last time you left this bed?” Michael questioned, giving up pulling the boy and wiping his hands of Luke on his pant legs. He didn’t blame him. It’s been days since his last shower.

“Yesterday sometime,” Luke mumbled, cocooning himself in his sheets.

“Aw, fuck no,” Michael exclaimed, gripping the bedding. It wasn’t a fair fight. Luke didn’t even try. He let himself be unraveled. “What even happened? I’ve never seen you like this before.”

Luke didn’t answer; he just stared out the window. Maybe his past self was stronger than this. He admired that because right now, Luke wanted nothing more than to switch off his feelings altogether. How much simpler would it be if he was able to remember the way his heart expanded around Ashton without having it ripped from his chest in the same moment? He could look upon it and think, “Love like that was beautiful,” instead of tragic and painful and awful. It was horrible however because the flashbacks were none of those things.

“Whatever you’re feeling, channel it into our music. Come on. We have a session in an hour,” Michael said, drawing Luke’s windows open. Michael stared fishing out clean clothes for Luke to wear. His suitcase seemingly blew up. Clothes were everywhere. “Are those empty peanut butter jars under your bed?” Luke’s lip quirked slightly, despite himself.

Michael forced him into something presentable, threw a beanie on his greasy mop, and showered him in a half-dozen sprays of cologne. “Just like old times,” Michael laughed, throwing shoes at Luke.

A few minutes later, Luke stood in the blazing Australian sun, paralyzed on his porch. Michael stood at the bottom of the steps, confused. He gazed up at Luke.

“This is daylight, you fucking vampire,” Michael informed slowly.

Luke wasn’t looking at Michael anymore though, but past him at the car parked on his street. He knew the car. He remembered lazy nights and cranky mornings driving to nowhere, just listening to the radio, trying to find a decent song until it became a game. He remembered drives home at 90 miles an hour because the arrow on the gas tank was teetering towards empty. He remembered practicing for his Provisional License, hands tight on the steering wheel, frightened to crash the car.

The horn boomed, shaking Luke from his thoughts. Apprehensively, he approached. Ashton only glanced at Luke through his rearview when he entered, sliding next to Calum, but Luke’s breath still caught nonetheless. He had not been sure when the next time he’d see Ashton would be. Luke figured that locking himself in his room would give him time – to recover or accept or something – because he wasn’t prepared for this. Luke fidgeted with his hands the whole way, muttering quiet answers when prompted and trying not to listen too intently to his bandmates’ conversations.

At the studio, management greeted them.

“How ya feeling, Luke?” one of the producers asked upon seeing Luke’s shabby appearance. Luke just shrugged, rubbing sleep from his eyes. The produced nodded solemnly. “Let’s split ya up then.”

Luke’s stomach twisted so tightly he wanted to sit down. Somehow he knew he’d be paired with Ashton. When the duos were announced, Calum and Michael didn’t seem to notice their friend’s silent pleas for help. Ashton didn’t seem phased at all either. He just texted, following when prompted.

The writing session proved to be a new universe of discomfort. Luke sat in the corner, guitar in hand, while Ashton was casually seated by the door. Two producers spat out ideas for songs. Ashton enthusiastically fed off them. Why was Luke even here? He helped Calum write a total of three songs. He couldn’t write music.

“Luke?”

Ashton’s voice, directed at him, shocked him. Ashton stared, expectant. Luke refrained from frowning.

Confused, he stammered, “U-um… I don’t know-“

“I said, ‘did you want to add anything to those lyrics?’” Ashton asked, sounding patient, but his jaw clenched.

Luke couldn’t even pretend he was paying attention to what Ashton had said. “Uh… _I don’t remember what I had for breakfast or what I did in the past three years_ ,” Luke offered.

Ashton cracked a small grin. “You aren’t listening.”

“Sorry,” Luke said timidly. “What’d you come up with?”

Ashton glanced down at his notebook, tracing his fingers over the words he scribbled.

“ _You and me, baby, we’re like a car crash.”_ Luke shifted in his seat uncomfortably.  He was already wary about this song. _“We’re getting everyone’s attention, a common misconception. What a tragedy_ ,” Ashton sang softly. Luke admired how clear his voice was. Squinting at the higher notes, Ashton continued. “ _Now I can’t stop reeling. I have this feeling that this won’t end well._ ”

Lyrics popped into Luke’s head, and before he could stop himself, he sang out, “ _What a mess we’ve made._ ”

Ashton raised his eyebrows as the producers commended the lyric. Silently, the boy agreed, casting his eyes downwards. Luke sighed. It was a mess. When did it stop being so good?

The guitar played melodically, Ashton coming up with hooks and such. It became background noise to Luke, who was stuck in his head.

_Ashton kept tapping his foot against Luke’s foot. It was a harmless gesture. Ignorant people would think of it as mechanical, like he was listening to music and his foot was tapping along – normal. But Luke glanced at the almost nonexistent smirk on Ashton’s face and knew this wasn’t accidental._

_It was dangerous, however. Not even twenty minutes ago, Calum and Michael almost caught the boys tongue wrestling in the dressing room._

_“Ash,” Luke warned softly, lighting touching Ashton’s thigh with his pinkie finger. Calum and Michael were next to them on the couch. Luke didn’t want them to notice._

_“Sorry,” Ashton mumbled, casually letting his foot stay against Luke’s. Luke smiled because he loved this idiot._

_The interviewer walked in, coffee in hand. She was young and pretty. Luke heard Calum snicker to Michael. She sat her drink down and pulled her hair into a high pony._

_“Hey, boys,” she said unintimidated. “We’re so lucky you agreed to this interview.”_

_“We’re lucky to be here,” Ashton said, smiling warmly. He was so charming; Luke wanted to laugh but refrained._

_The interviewer waved his kind words away, sitting on the sofa adjacent to them. She crossed her legs and adjusted the microphone clipped to her blouse._

_“The whole experience should be pretty cut and paste. Just don’t say anything that will get me fired,” she warned with a smile, watching the cameraman’s motions._

_“Like penis?” Michael said loudly. She glared at him._

_She started with her introduction, her peppy personality introducing them. Finally getting the interview edict, they greeted everyone watching live. The interview proved to be similar to others the boys have had. They talked about their new album, touring with One Direction, their new fame, and Luke already knew her last question before she even asked._

_“So, you’re all attractive boys,” she cooed, leaning forward. “Girls must be swarming.”_

_Luke chuckled. “We’re very blessed to have such dedicated fans.”_

_The interviewer made a cheeky face. That wasn’t what she meant, and Luke knew that._

_“Your dedicated fans want to know the likelihood of you dating one of them,” she probed. The response was automatic:_ of course, you can’t date someone who doesn’t like the music you make.

_“So, you’re all single then?” she continued. “Are any of you seeing someone?”_

_Collectively, the boys denied, laughing it off. Luke’s face flushed at the question. It was the first time he’d been asked it since starting his relationship with Ashton._

_“I am.”_

_Dread filled Luke. Calum and Michael glanced at Ashton so quickly they might have gotten whiplash. No one expected Ashton to say he was seeing someone: not Calum or Michael, not the interviewer, and especially not Luke._

_Luke’s breathing became shallow, and he picked at his thumbnail nervously. The interviewer looked like she just discovered the cure for cancer. She sat right at the edge of her seat._

_“Ashton, you are?” she gasped, smiling widely. “This is definitely news.”_

_“Yes it is,” Michael breathed, still watching the drummer._

_Ashton chuckled, glancing down at his lap (or maybe at the place where his and Luke’s feet were touching). Luke, however, felt paralyzed. He couldn’t make eye contact with anyone because he was scared his eyes would betray him and tell the world his secret. He just watched the small screen over the interviewer’s head, showing a live video of the interview._

_“If you’re willing to admit this, it must be getting pretty serious,” the interview said, prompting Ashton for more._

_“Yeah,” he said shyly._

_The anger and fear were battling each other inside of Luke. How could he do this without even mentioning it to Luke? Does he not know the consequences? He clenched his jaw, despite trying to act like Ashton was talking about something simple, like what he had for breakfast._

_“Can we get a name?” the interviewer asked._

_Luke’s heart leapt and he almost pressed his hand over Ashton’s mouth._

_“No, this person wouldn’t want me to say. Tabloids and such,” Ashton explained._

_Luke was practically yelling profanities at Ashton in his head._

_“The fans are going to be chasing their tails trying to figure out this mystery girl,” she said, rubbing her hands together._

_“They aren’t going to be the only ones,” Calum whispered to Luke from behind Ashton’s back. Luke only glanced at him._

_“Ashton, you’re blushing is precious. You must really love her,” the interviewer offered._

_Luke watched the Ashton on the small screen, scared Ashton would look at him or touch him or do anything in his general direction, but he just smiled at the interviewer._

_“I think I do,” Ashton said sweetly._

_The interviewer fussed over Ashton, practically swooning. But Luke just sat there ridged. He should have felt elated with this new information. He should have wanted to wrap his arms around Ashton, kissing him in front of everyone watching. But he was terrified and that clouded every other emotion._

_The interview ended in a daze. Luke hoped he acted like nothing happened at all. People couldn’t find out. He wasn’t ready. It would ruin everything._

_The repercussions of Ashton’s confession were immediate. The management scolded him for revealing something so personal without their consent. Calum and Michael were like piranhas._

_“Which of your fuck buddies, man?” Calum asked, nudging Ashton as he walked by._

_“What’s her name? Is it the blonde with the huge ass? Please let it be the blonde with the huge ass,” Michael pleaded._

_“Did you know about this?” Calum questioned Luke who hadn’t said anything since the interview ended._

_“No clue,” Luke said, shrugging. “I’m finding a toilet.”_

_Luke walked away from his bandmates, not looking at Ashton. He kept creating different scenarios in his head. What if someone caught them kissing? It’d be all over the news. There’d be no damage control. What if someone pieced together stuff they’d done over the past few months? The looks, touches, the body language. It’d be so easy to figure out._

_Luke pushed into the restroom furiously._

_His head was spinning. He had to grip onto the sink to steady himself. He turned the water on to drown out his thoughts. He was so frustrated._

_The door swung open. The person walked a little ways in then halted._

_“Luke,” Ashton’s voice whispered. He didn’t approach. He must be reading Luke’s body language, and Luke was not approachable in that moment._

_“Don’t,” he spat, turning off the water. Luke went for the door, but Ashton blocked his way. “Let me go.”_

_“Why are you so upset?” Ashton asked, reaching forward. Luke knocked his hand away._

_“Are you fucking kidding me, Ashton?” Luke groaned._

_Finally, they made eye contact. Luke wished they hadn’t. Ashton looked incredibly hurt._

_“I don’t understand why you’re freaking out,” Ashton said, sounding broken. “This isn’t the reaction I was expecting.”_

_“You told everyone about us,” Luke said through his teeth._

_“Because I’m sick of hiding, Luke,” Ashton said dismayed. “Hiding that I love you is the hardest thing I’ve had to do.”_

_“But everyone is going to have questions. Everyone is going to find out! Our families, Cal, Mikey, the management, the fans. I don’t want that! Why didn’t you fucking ask me first?”_

_“Luke, calm down. No one knows it’s you.”_

_“Good! I don’t want them to know!”_

_Ashton stepped back from the impact of Luke’s words. He cast his eyes downward._

_“I said I loved you, Luke.” Ashton’s voice was so small. “Did you miss that?”_

_“I don’t love you.”_

_As Luke said it, he knew what a blatant lie it was. Ashton shook his head. He knew it as well._

_“I can’t do this anymore, Ashton,” Luke whispered. Saying the phase crushed his insides. But Ashton wasn’t thinking straight. He was jeopardizing everything._

_“W-what?”_

_“I’m done,” Luke heard himself say. He couldn’t possibly be saying this though. He didn’t mean it. “What we had was raw and fun, but I can’t give you any more than that.”_

_“Luke,” Ashton said his name like a question._

_“No, Ashton, just…stay away from me, okay?”_

_Ashton dropped his hand, not moving when Luke walked away, not chasing after him, not saying a word._

_It was for the best._

Luke stared at Ashton, who was smiling at the producer. What he thought, everything he thought, was warped. Ashton didn’t break things off with Luke. No, that’s not what happened at all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, I knew that Ashton was the one dumped right from the start! So, when I wrote him, I wrote him knowing this as well. If you reread, this will change the way you see Ash a lot!! =) (Like Chapter 1 & 10, especially)


	13. Catching Fire Like Kerosene

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Previously: Luke broke up with Ashton before the car crash.

**Thirteen.** Catching Fire Like Kerosene

_Now we’re stuck in the middle of nowhere. Yeah, we know we took our time to get there. We’re hiding out in a dream, catching fire like kerosene._

 

Luke couldn’t finish the song. He couldn’t think straight, let alone spew out lyrics, let alone be in the same room as Ashton. Every bit of information he’s gotten up to this point didn’t compare to this. He broke Ashton’s heart  - right after he told him he loved him. He thought his past-self was strong, but he was a coward. It hurt him knowing that Ashton must see him like this.

Luke was still a coward. He excused himself from the room and fled. Luke felt Ashton’s eyes follow after him, a chill running up his spine. He didn’t know where to go. He just needed room to think. A vast window stretched across the end of the long hallway he rushed down. As he approached, a circular garden lined with stone benches came into view. Shortly after spotting a door, Luke pushed outside. The warm air washed over him and the sun warmed his incredibly cold limbs.

 _“Ashton, just…stay away from me, okay?”_ he remembered himself say, practically begging. He knew how despite he felt in that moment, how if Ashton didn’t stay away, he’d have no chance of getting over him.

He tried to tap into the reasoning behind breaking up with Ashton. It was logical, he realized. The band wouldn’t make it; their relationship complicated things too much. The press would have a riot on their hands.

He couldn’t get past how stupid he thought he was though.

Luke remembered what Ashton said a few days ago, how hard it was for him to watch Luke fall back in love with him. Because Ashton didn’t keep his word; he didn’t stay away. Luke was happy he didn’t. Either way, Luke would have fallen in love - maybe just by looking at him, no flashbacks needed.

Suddenly, something wild popped into Luke’s head.

What if Ashton did all of this for revenge?

Luke shook his head, trying to shake the thought from his mind completely. But it stuck. Was Ashton bitter? Luke treated him like he meant nothing. He just shut him out. It was as if Ashton was just a warm body to cozy up to at night. Luke knew he gave Ashton the cold shoulder until the accident. This was their big fight.

And if the amnesia didn’t happen, if Luke would have woken up, remembering everything, would he have acted the same? Would he have gone on as if no time had passed? A queasy feeling in Luke’s stomach let him know the answer.

So maybe Ashton loved watching Luke get hurt. Just like he hurt.

Luke deserved it though. He didn’t deserve Ashton.

Luke watched a bee disappear into a rather large flower, blocking the rest of the world out. The door to the garden swung open and gently thumped as it closed. Luke glanced over his shoulder. Ashton stood in front of the door, a sad smile on his lips.

“Hey,” he whispered, unmoving.

Before his brain caught up to what he was about to asked, Luke said, “Why have you been so nice to me?” He bit his lip, suddenly nervous for the response.

Ashton furrowed his brow, scratching at his forearm for something to do. He didn’t respond. Ashton acted bewildered, when in reality, Luke knew he’s known all along. Was he just waiting?

“You didn’t owe me anything,” Luke muttered, glancing back at the big flower. “I was awful.”

“You remember,” Ashton said simply.

Luke slowly nodded. “And then what? Did I just shut you out?”

Ashton slid next to Luke, not daring to touch him. “You made it pretty clear you didn’t want me anymore.”

“That’s not true,” Luke said, guilt twisting his gut.

Ashton laughed non-comically, “You don’t know that.” Luke wanted to scream that he did, but Ashton seemed convinced.

“I just have so many questions, and since I’ve woken up, you’ve been lying to me,” Luke said then quickly added, “I’m not angry. I have no right to be angry. I’m just confused,” he rambled, picking at a tattered string coming off his pants.

“I’m sorry for that, Luke. I just didn’t want you to remember. You would have gotten what you wanted.”

Luke’s heart broke at Ashton’s words. He would never wish those memories away. He didn’t want to forget Ashton.

“I was trying to respect your wishes from before the crash,” Ashton continued, very matter-of-fact. “You didn’t want us.”

 _But I want you now,_ Luke wanted to say but held back. Instead he said, “But you didn’t stay away.”

“I didn’t,” Ashton agreed. “It was too easy to fall back into whatever we had. You starting looking at me again the way you used to. Eventually, I stopped making excuses for being around and just accepted that you wanted me around. And then that day when you kissed me happened and…” He sighed, adjusting his glasses.

“Why didn’t you tell me from the start? Did you like watching me get all screwed up?”

Ashton shook his head. “No, Luke. Our relationship was a lot of discovery. How confused were you when you started to have feeling for me? Not only am I your best mate, I’m a bloke! I couldn’t just pile that all on you at once.”

“Okay, so now we’re all caught up,” Luke said, reaching for Ashton’s hand, but he tugged it away.

“Luke, it’s not that simple,” Ashton said, shaking his head.

“What do you mean? I get it. What I did to you was selfish. I wasn’t thinking about you. And now I am. I want to be with you, Ashton. I’m not scared anymore,” Luke confessed, gazing straight into Ashton’s eyes. He looked awestruck but there was something else behind his eyes that Luke couldn’t read.

Ashton exhaled heavily, standing up. “We can’t.”

“Why?” Luke exclaimed, rising as well.

“Because tomorrow you could remember everything and change your mind,” Ashton said, sounding almost scared. “You could remember how you felt when you ended things and decide that it is the best option.”

“I know how I felt, and I don’t feel like that anymore!”

“No, Luke, I can’t lose you again. How do I know you’re not just going to decide the same thing about us?”

Ashton was blinking hard, biting his quivering lower lip. Luke wished he could take whatever pain Ashton felt away from him. What could he possibly say to convince him?

“You don’t, Ashton. I feel like a broken puzzle; I’m always finding new pieces that I’m missing,” Luke explained, standing close to Ashton. “I don’t feel like that around you. The Luke you remember and the Luke I am right now are the same bloke. You said that to me a while ago, and I won’t let him hurt you, Ash.”

Ashton practically slapped away the tears that he finally allowed to fall. He turned away from Luke, and Luke thought he was going back inside, that he had enough, so Luke chased him with his words. That made Ashton halt.

“I feel like I’m missing so much, but then I think, how much can a person remember? Our memories are fleeting, brief snapshots of what actually happened. I have the most important memories though, Ashton; they keep finding their way back.” Luke grazed his fingers over Ashton’s back. He felt him flinch then relax under his touch. “I know what I felt in that flashback. It killed me to end things with you. If this amnesia showed me anything, it just proved how in love with you I was.”

The silence that lingered felt like fire prickling at his skin. When Ashton started to walk away, Luke realized how much he didn’t want to lose Ashton either.

“I can’t,” Ashton muttered, and Luke barely caught it.

Right when Ashton opened the door, Luke called after him.

“The moment I saw you after the crash, I was already in love with you,” Luke proclaimed. “How can you love someone you don’t know?”

Without another word, Ashton went inside.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There's one line that I planned to add right from the beginning, and it makes me cry every time I read it. Can you find which one it is? ;)


	14. My Heart Wants to Come Home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for reading. You're all lovely and wonderful and sweet and great and I love you all! =)

**Fourteen.** My Heart Wants To Come Home.

_There are pieces of us both under every city light, and they’re shining as we fade into the night. She sleeps alone. My heart wants to come home. I wish I was… I wish I was..._

The first show since the accident was a small concert of around three hundred people in Australia. All that attended won their tickets. It was just a room of people who loved the band. Despite all of this, Luke was still nervous. He wiped his sweaty palms on his jeans then reached for his water with shaky hands.

He kept reminding himself that he performed in front thousands of people, if not more. He remembered the crowds of screaming fans. The energy from those memories did little to boost his spirits though. He had those moments etched in his brain, but as of right now, he’s never lived through a performance. All of those memories were just in the past, something he couldn’t access completely.

The water splashed around his belly, and Luke realized how unsettled his stomach was. He sat down and crushed the bottle between his hands. He ran through the set list in his head, slowly going through lyrics and harmonies. How did he get used to this in the first place? This was terrifying.

“It looks like you’re about to shit a brick.”

Luke glanced up to see Michael approaching. He pulled his arms through a shirt. When his head popped through the hole, he was grinning.

“How was I before our first concert?” Luke questioned, leaning back. He stared up at the ceiling but quickly shut his eyes because the florescent lights irritated them.

“Pretty much how you are now,” he answered, plopping down next to him. “Aren’t you excited? It’s been like two months since we performed. It’ll be nice to be onstage again.”

He could see how physically straining it was on his bandmates to not be performing. Part of the reason Luke asked management to book a gig was because of them. They never pushed Luke. They never expected it. They were patient and understood that he needed time, but Luke figured that throwing himself out there would be the best way to concur this.

The fans didn’t know about the amnesia. Most didn’t understand why they were inactive. Luke looked fine –nothing broken, no episodes, no relapses. He was perfectly healthy to them, so why wasn’t he performing?

“Yeah,” Luke muttered, pressing his fingers into his closed eyes. The stars he saw were so vibrant.

“Are you okay?” Michael asked, touching Luke’s arm lightly. “You look pale.”

“Just nervous,” he replied, taking a deep breath.

He stood and ignored the spinning. A crew member came in just then and gave the boys a ten minute warning. Calum, who was across the room in the corner playing with his plugged in phone, dropped the device and jumped up. He stretched and sighed loudly.

“We are going to fucking kill it!” Calum exclaimed, coming toward Luke. He patted his friend on the back. “Don’t worry, buddy, you’re gonna be great.”

“Where’s Ash?” Michael asked from the couch.

The name made Luke’s insides stir – as did every time he saw Ashton, heard his voice, listened to the band’s songs, whenever a new memory of his once-boyfriend popped up…so his insides stirred most of the time. For once though, he didn’t blame Ashton for the lightheadedness or queasy feelings he’s been recently having. Tonight it was nerves.

Ashton walked through the door, as if knowing he was being talked about. He had an apple lodged in his mouth and was typing away at his phone. He glanced up. His and Luke’s eyes had a magnetic attraction towards each other. He locked eyes with him. They didn’t exchange anything more than that. Expressionless, Ashton bit down and pulled the apple away from his lips.

“We should head to stage,” Luke said, tossing his water onto the table.

He walked passed Ashton, biting his lip when he caught the boy’s woodsy smell. Ashton was very adamant about keeping his distance. It’s been a few weeks since their last conversation. Their relationship was mainly professional. Calum and Michael quickly noticed. Calum brought up their coldness a few nights ago after rehearsal.

“You two need to kiss and make up. It’s like the north pole in here,” Calum said when Luke played his guitar alongside Ashton, only to receive a discontented look from the drummer. Calum must have seen it as well. Luke glanced back at Ashton, and they shared a knowing look.

“Yeah, man, whatever’s going on here is dumb,” Michael chimed in. “You’re mates.”

Luke wanted to tell them. He wanted to talk to _someone_ about this, but he refrained.

The closer Luke got to the stage, the louder the noise from the hall became. It went straight to his head, where a small knot of ache twisted in the back of his brain. They pushed through the dark backstage. Luke stopped at the edge of the curtain, glancing around it to see the fans. Despite the darkness, they screamed, having sensed motion. Feeling two thumps on his back, Calum and Mikey paced onto stage.

Luke forgot how to breathe. What if something bad happened? What if he forgot the words? What if he forgot the guitar parts? What if he didn’t sing well? What if he let them down? Everyone: the fans, his family who were in the audience, Calum and Michael, Ashton.

Luke started walking backwards, ready to flee, when he walked into something hard. Turning, he saw Ashton in the flashing spotlights that flooded the stage.

Ashton touched Luke’s arm, leaning to say something in his ear. “You’re going to be amazing.”

But Luke shook his head. “You don’t know that,” Luke argued.

“Yeah I do,” he said simply. “You always are.” His eyes were serious, but this was the warmest Ashton’s been towards him in weeks. He didn’t waste another second before going onstage to his drums. Now, Luke was alone.

Calum and Michael smiled at him, gesturing for him to come onstage. The fans were going crazy. Popping the little bubble of nervousness he held in his chest, Luke went onstage.

The performance was a blur. Luke stumbled over some lyrics and guitar riffs, but for the most part, it went smoothly. The crowd was supportive, not noticing simple mistakes. His bandmates smiled encouragingly at him throughout the show, too, giving him praise whenever he got near. Even Ashton. Luke saw such pride in the drummer’s eyes.

Luke did notice one thing though. His nausea and lightheadedness didn’t subside. It was easy for him to ignore it while performing, but by the time he went back onstage for the encore, something changed in him.

The lights flicked on, blinding him. Luke raised a hand to cast a shadow over his eyes. Against his hand, however, he saw the outline of the light. It was so clear, he couldn’t see anything else. Distantly, he heard the beginning of a new song. What song? Luke didn’t recognize it. What song? What was the song Michael was playing? Where was he? Why was it so bright?

Dropping his hand, he saw people. So many people, but they were blurry, faceless. The lights were killing him! Shut the lights off!

“Luke?” Michael said into his ear. When did he stop playing? When did he get here? Where was here? What was he holding? Luke looked down. A guitar? When did he get a guitar?

He touched the strings but couldn’t feel them. He couldn’t feel anything. He felt numb, tingles and pricks erupting under his skin.

“LUKE!” Ashton screamed, pushing past his drum kit. A cymbal tipped over, and Luke realized it was quiet wherever he was because he heard the crash of the instrument clearly. It was the last thing he heard.

*~~

_Don’t waste your time on me you’re already the voice inside my head._

Luke’s sense of touch came back first. He felt something cold and clammy tracing across his forehead. He tried to pull away from it but couldn’t quite figure out how to move his limbs. Whatever it was halted, resting on his head. Next fingers gently glided through his hair. Once. Twice. A few more times.

Luke smelled something familiar. Something that triggered all his other senses.

Luke opened his eyes.

Ashton gazed down at him, his eyes red and puffy. But he looked at Luke in a way that made Luke’s insides melt.

“ _I miss you. I miss you,”_ Ashton sang softly, fingers never leaving Luke’s hair.

“Why are you singing?” Luke whispered.

“It woke you up last time,” Ashton whispered back. Luke’s gut twisted.

Reaching for the wet cloth on his forehead, Luke muttered, “What happened?” Ashton pulled the cloth off, using his hand to wipe the excess moisture off Luke’s head.

“You passed out,” Ashton informed, helping Luke up. Luke glanced around. They were backstage in their dressing room. Luke spread across the couch. “The paramedics will be here soon. Calum and Michael are doing damage control and finding your parents.”

“Why did you stay behind?”

Ashton didn’t say anything for a few seconds. He just gazed at Luke like he was prompting Luke for the answer. “I couldn’t leave you,” he finally spoke, eyes starting to well up with tears. “I was so scared.”

Ashton ducked his head, probably ashamed to be seen crying. Throughout all of this, Ashton’s been so strong. He didn’t have another choice. The battles he fought were probably terrible. Just like the battle he was currently fighting. Luke pulled Ashton into his arms, and the boy instantly wrapped his arms around Luke.

“I’m fine,” Luke whispered, smoothing down Ashton’s hair, hushing the tears with soft coos. “I’m right here. I’m all here.”

“I keep losing you,” Ashton sobbed quietly, tears soaking through Luke’s t-shirt. “Tonight, when I saw you falling… I was terrified that you’d be gone all over again.”

“I wasn’t ready. I should have taken it easier,” Luke admitted, holding onto Ashton tighter, burying his face in his hair. “It’s my own fault.”

Ashton shook his head. “I think you relapsed, Luke, and if this is the first, there may be more.” Ashton grasped Luke’s shirt, like the idea of just holding him could keep him safe. Not that Luke blamed him. That’s why he was holding Ashton so tightly. Panic rose in him.

 “I don’t want to forget again,” Luke whimpered. “It took me so long to regain what memories I have.”

The thought scared Luke. He didn’t wish what he went through on anyone, and he didn’t want to endure it again.

“Ashton, if that happens,” Luke started, placing his hands on Ashton’s cheeks, pulling him away from his chest, “please don’t leave me.” Ashton stared up at him, confused. “I need you. You help me remember. You help me feel whole.” Ashton looked like he was going to argue, so Luke said, “We can’t keep sitting here waiting for something that may or may not even happen.”

“But, Luke…”

“I may never relapse. I may never forget you again. I may never feel the way I did when I broke up with you. We don’t know what will happen, Ashton! I didn’t know you were going to tell everyone you were in a relationship in that interview. I didn’t know that car was going to hit us. I didn’t know I was going to lose my memories. I’m here, though. Aren’t I? If you’re so scared to lose me, why are you pushing me away? I’m scared of losing you, too. I’m scared that I’ll never be enough.”

Luke broke down, his body shaking with sobs. He pressed forward, resting his forehead against Ashton’s.

Luke continued, “What we have now is a huge mess, and all I know, all I’m 100% certain about is that I love you. I hurt you, and I’m sorry, but I’ll never hurt you again.”

Ashton’s voice cracked when he said, “You don’t know that, Luke.”

Luke pulled away, cupping Ashton’s face like it was the most fragile thing in the world.

“I do though. All the important stuff come back,” Luke whispered, feeling Ashton’s breath on his lips. “You did.”

Something changed behind Ashton’s eyes. Like the lights Luke saw before he passed out. Like the ebbing colors of the Northern Lights. Like the splash of a wave or the static from a walkie-talkie.

Ashton leaned forward and kissed Luke. It was messy and wet, and Luke started crying again. But Luke, despite not knowing a lot, knew Ashton was the only person to make him feel this way.

He wasn’t lost.

He was home.

 

_*~~ One Year Later *~~_

Summers in America couldn’t compete with summers in Australia. The sun was too hot to do anything. Even the water didn’t help. It basically boiled over. They were like cooked little vegetables.

“Why is the reception here so shitty?” Luke asked, holding his phone high above his head. He sat up, occasionally watching Calum, Michael and a few other friends splash around in the water hole.

“Why are you on your phone when you should be relaxing?” Ashton taunted from where he lay next to Luke on his towel. “We start promoting our new album in Europe next week, and it’s snowing there right now.”

“I was just tweeting,” Luke said sheepishly.

“Tweeting what?” Ashton asked, finally looking up at Luke. “’ _I’m baking like an asparagus and look like a tomato’_?”

“No, it was a picture of you that said, ‘ _This dumbass is boring. I’m going to dump him.’_ ”

“Do it. I’m bored of you, too,” Ashton said, trying to sound serious but his smile always ruined it.

“Okay. When I go to Europe, I’ll let someone else sweep me off my feet,” Luke replied nonchalantly, staring down at his phone again.

Suddenly, Luke was tugged into the air. “Like this?” Ashton said. Ashton threw him over his shoulder.

“I HAVE MY PHONE!”

“Throw it down because you’re going into the water in three…two…”

“ASHTON!”

“One.”

Ashton placed Luke down. They were nowhere near the water. Luke smacked Ashton’s arm, not leaving any damage. Ashton giggled, stepping closer and wrapping an arm around Luke’s waist.

“I can’t stand you sometimes,” Luke lied, poking Ashton’s stomach to scoot him away. Ashton wiggled a bit, but never left. He tugged Luke closer so their bare chests were touching.

“Whatcha gonna do?” he started, trying his best to sound somber. “Forget me again?”

Luke stared down into the hazel eyes he fell in love with, the eyes he found himself loving every day. The past year wasn’t easy. It took a few days for Calum and Michael to find out about them and a few weeks for their families. On top of all that, Luke relapses three more times. Ashton was always there when he woke up. The last time was the scariest though because he couldn’t remember anything, not even his name. He did think the boy singing to him with the hazel eyes was beautiful though. Ashton didn’t hide how much he cared for Luke in that time, and the press finally connected all the dots.

Luke always came back though, and Ashton, despite the question initially starting as a joke, stared with intense eyes.

“You’re very hard to forget, Ash,” Luke said, not wasting a second before kissing him.

**The End.**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have a new story out =) It's a Lashton kid!fic.  
>  **Here's a snippet:**  
>  ** __**
> 
>  **  
> **
> 
>   
>  **ATTENTION! ATTENTION! CALLING ALL SUPERHEROES!  
> **  
>  **  
> **  
>  **Dr. Fluke** is turning FIVE!
> 
> To celebrate this day, a top secret meeting is being held at the HEMMINGS’ LAIR on July 15th.
> 
> RSVP: **Lethal Liz -** (938) 384-2338 __


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